As 2015 comes to a close I have decided to stop hiding. I stopped blogging for a long time because
someone tried to misuse things I wrote to hurt our family. To protect my husband and all four of my
children, I am willing to be silent but not when it distances me from family
and friends. As we continue down the
difficult road of adoption, we need the support of those who show God’s love
more and more each day. So I cautiously write…
It is very early on this last day of 2015. I am already at work dealing with personnel
issues and about to face a mountain of paperwork. I am taking a moment to snuggle down in my
office chair and treasure a cup of tea before the next phone call, complaint,
news of illness, or anything else that gets thrown my direction. As I look forward to a new year I feel very
mixed emotions. Inside my heart there is
a tangled knot of hope, despair, love, frustration, gratitude and
selfishness. So much to sift through and
untangle as I take each moment of these last 364 days one by one.
It really has been a
good year, maybe even a great year. I
started a new job this year and met a new circle of friends. People who are earthy and transparent. I have learned so much from my Monday thru
Friday family. I have learned that
calmness is one of the greatest gifts we can give one another. I have learned that there is nothing better
than someone who is passionately on your side.
And I have learned that it truly is our differences that teach us to be
more Godly people, full of Jesus’ love for others. How blessed am I to have such peace in such a
difficult world full of sadness and disappointment. Our little crew has known loss and death this
year, the arrival of precious new lives, retirement of friends and new hires
becoming new friends. And through it all
they have performed with excellence and integrity. Each member has shown me the importance of a
life fully given to Christ and I am truly and deeply grateful.
Then there is my darling Olivia. I never would have dreamed that one year could
make so many changes in that little waif of a girl. We began the year with a child who was
resistant to nearly everything. She was
anxious and easily upset. We started using
essential oils and changed our approach to disciplining and parenting her and
we were pleasantly surprised by the changes in her personality. As the year went on, we continued to search
out ways to help her find contentment and motivation. We longed to see her self-assured and forward
thinking. Then, a huge obstacle came to
stand in our way. Her insurance company
made a computer error that resulted in her losing all coverage. I was so upset and desperate to fix things
and fix them now. How silly of me not to
see that God was still in control.
Because of the insurance issues, Olivia ran out of one of her
medications. The result was a hyper,
talkative little girl with no ability to self-regulate. I thought I would lose my mind as she spoke
non-stop from the moment she awoke to the moment she finally went to sleep. Her teachers and para patiently work with
her, trying to get her to focus as her mind raced from one thing to
another. It was all a bit maddening. Then, one day she stopped rambling. Her thoughts became more focused. The anxiety that her educators struggled with
for years just melted away. She began
reading and doing complicated math problems.
She became very sympathetic to the children around her, though a bit
bossy as she insisted everyone else abide by the letter of the law. At home, she was sweet and thoughtful. It was like we had a new child. When the insurance issues were all ironed
out, we chose (of course) to keep Olivia off the one medication that has been
stopped. She is still very much Olivia,
providing us with hysterical moments and lots of information on her imaginary
world of creatures. But now, she is a
calmer and more peaceful Olivia. We are
filled with gratitude daily as we watch her maneuver through life with this new
attitude of joy. It was yet another
lesson in God’s provision. What I
thought was a disaster was actually God working as only he can, with perfect
precision.
Along with Olivia’s growth, we saw a great deal of growth in
our son as well. He tested into the
gifted program at school and for the first time in his short education, he has
found himself challenged and he is loving it.
His second grade gifted class has worked on civil engineering, space
exploration, computer coding, and creating a personal profile that shows his
character and life experiences. It’s
been so good to see him embrace that added work and grow more than I thought an
eight year old could. At home, he often
acts as the big brother even though he is younger. He shows compassion and maturity and even a
bit of wisdom. We continue to work on humility
and I love when he recognizes that all of his gifts are from God.
While there have been many moments to rejoice this year,
there have also been many, many moments of frustration. We took some strides forward in our adoption
then found ourselves treading water in a bottomless pit of waiting. As a problem solver, it has been a huge
learning experience as I have completely relented to having absolutely no
control or ability to move things along.
Instead we have focused on bonding over Skype and preparing for the day
our two children finally come home. We
have loved those blurry morning sessions of singing and talking. We treasure each day we see their faces,
knowing that the signal could be lost at any moment and we will have to wait
again to say “I love you”. I have
literally felt the ache in my arms to hold them close and let them know that we
will never leave them. The pain of
distance only deepens the need to have our family whole. Our fight for these two precious ones is not
done by letter writing campaign, or demanding emails. It’s a fight that takes place on our knees
before our champion warrior, our God. Ask anyone that has known me in my formative
years and they will tell you that I am a scrapper, ready to take on any
Goliath. It is only through God’s
patience and loving discipline that I have finally relented to His plans. God continues to make me and mold me into a person
who recognizes His wisdom and waits patiently for His action.
But while we are waiting…. why not do a little
planning? So that brings us to our dear
little house. Our very little house. As we move closer to being a family of six,
we desire more and more to have a house that gives us a bit more room. Unfortunately, the economy has not been very
kind to our neck of the woods and fifteen years of enjoying our home have left
its mark. Add to that the fact that Dan
and I are far from handy, and we have found ourselves facing a new challenge. We have made a list of home repairs and
updates, checked it twice (trying to find out what will help our home’s price),
and… essentially stared at the list wishing for a fairy Godmother named Ty Pennington. So far, no fairies have shown up to transform
a pumpkin into a lovely new deck or bathroom but we have been blessed by some
amazing friends and family willing to patch, paint, and purge alongside our
little family. Our friends and members
of our small group have encouraged us with word and dead as we transform our
little bungalow into the future home of a very lucky family. What a blessing it is to share life with
those who support our calling to enlarge our family through adoption. There has been much laughter and support
wrapped around us and we gratefully and humbly accept the help and experience
of these dear people. I pray when our
little home sells that the next family experiences the amazing love we have
known inside these walls.
So, here’s to 2015 and all of its gifts and lessons. May they always be remembered and transform
our future. Now, I raise my tea mug to
2016 in anticipation. May this coming
year fill our home with children, our hearts with God’s love and peace, and our
lives with friends and family. We love
you all.
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