One Happy Camper!

With having autism, Olivia usually gets the short end of the stick.  Dan and I often find ourselves feeling so bad for her as she tries to fit in with other children.  We struggle to see the positive when Olivia is "the weird kid" or "the meltdown kid".  We fight with our own pride issues when we choose not to be embarrassed when she is inappropriate in public.  In general, daily life is hard.  Then, every once in a while, we get the amazing joy of seeing her blossom and flourish.  And sometimes, we even get to see autism as a gift.  Yesterday was one of those days.  

We are very blessed to have a special needs camp in our state and even more blessed to receive a scholarship so Olivia could attend.  For months, we have been talking about it and the last couple of weeks have been full of funny conversations that included why you can't bring every toy you own to camp, why Mom and Dad can't be campers too, and why it isn't okay to kiss other campers so they will be your friend.  We have been counting the days until we leave for camp until Olivia practically vibrated with excitement.  

The day finally came.  We drove to the camp and along the way Olivia would randomly yell "Ya-hoo!" and make what she calls "fireworks sounds".  She asked "Are we there yet?" about 3000 times.  She talked nonstop about what she was going to do at camp and how she was going to make lots of friends who are just like her.  It was a long drive.  Finally the moment arrived.  We pulled into the parking area and several camp counselors appeared out of no where to haul Olivia's bags to her cabin.  Another counselor introduced herself to Olivia and told her that she would take her to meet her one-on-one counselor.  Without a single look back, Olivia was off.  Soon she was in the middle of a group of counselors who where quietly welcoming Olivia with this strange, almost silent excitement.  Obviously, the counselors are well trained in dealing with kids who have sensory issues and can have bad reactions to loud noise.  This was a good sign for a nervous Mama. Then, as I dropped off her meds to the camp nurse, Olivia disappeared with her counselor into a crowd of little campers.  We were sent to meet her at her cabin to say goodbye. We passed a few kiddos who where having minor meltdowns, worrying about the personal belongings and one camper who was fighting counselors who wanted to change her after she had an accident.  Finally we found Olivia and, of course, she was talking non stop to her counselor about how she wanted to hunt for frogs and play with all of her new friends.  It was apparent that, while I was struggling with separation anxiety, Olivia was just fine.  I bent down and whispered in her ear that it was time to say good by.  In typical Olivia style, she went to her "this is how I should react" mode and burst into tears.  I knew right away that she was just doing what she thought was appropriate in this situation.  I took her outside to say good by to her dad and brother and she continued to whimper.  I bent down and said, "Did you see the pool with the giant water slides?".  The crying stop instantaneously and all was well again.  We walked with Olivia across the camp ground until it was time for us to head to the car and her to head to the dinner hall.  We said goodbye and Olivia turned, yelled goodbye over her shoulder and was gone.  No looks back.  No last minute regrets about coming to camp.  Just pure excitement for this new adventure.  Our little trio of Dan, me, and Eli walked to the car and my heart ached to leave my sweet girl but I was so excited for her.

On the long journey back home, I realized that for the first time EVER, we were somewhere where children were having meltdowns and it wasn't our kid!  It may sound silly, but it rather exhausting to always be "those parents".  You know, the ones you glare at in the grocery store or at restaurants because their kids aren't behaving.  And not only was Olivia behaving, she was thriving!  Autism is a real pain in the neck most of the time, but this experience was a great reminder of the pros of autism.  Because of her autism, Olivia can only feel one emotion at a time.  When she is sad, she is VERY sad.  But, when she is happy, she is VERY happy.  What an amazing gift that is when you are facing a new unknown situation.  Watching her bounce down the pathway to dinner feeling only happiness was incredible.  How many parents get to have that experience?  

So now I am missing my darling daughter and spending every free moment praying desperately for her.  I am praying for her safety and that she will have a great time but, mostly, I am praying that the one feeling she has is joy.  I don't want her to spend a moment missing us.  I want every moment focused on having fun and being happy.  I'm doing enough of the "missing" for both of us.

Back to Africa

I've been asked several times in the last few months if I was planning another trip to Africa.  "No" I would answer, "Maybe next year."  Well, here it is July and I am headed again to Africa.  Our church was in desperate need of a team leader and asked if I would take the challenge on.  With a very nervous heart, I said yes.  So now my weeks are filled with making guest house, car, and boat reservations.  Every week, our team meets to go over Bible stories and work on methods of introducing the Gospel.  I have piles forming of wicking t shirts and ankle length skirts not to mention flashlights, bug spray, and everything you need when staying a week on an island with no electricity or running water.  

I look at the piles and I marvel how God continues to make straight paths for our family.  We have learned to be VERY flexible and draped in prayer.  While we dream and discuss about our future, we have landed in this wonderful place where we are always waiting to see what God has for us.  Nothing is set in stone until He sets it.  For a planner like me, this is not an easy thing.  I had a great plan for our family.  We would have three children, Dan would be a journalist and I would stay at home.  We would live in our starter home for a few years then by a more "comfortable" home.  And on and on it goes.  My plan was not to be.  God began to teach me to stop and listen for His calling instead of my own planning.  I stopped being distracted by the activities of life (most of the time).  I remembered the story of Elijah in the cave (1 Kings 19).  There he stood on a mountain, waiting to hear God's voice.  He was not distracted by wind, earthquake or fire.  If he had been distracted; if he had reacted in his humanity to the terrifying situation around him, he would have missed out on the huge blessing God had for him.  He would have thought he was still alone and would have died in his grief.  But, even in what seemed the worst of circumstances, God was making his path straight.

At one time, I didn't want a daughter that was autistic.  When my son was born, I didn't want him be so smart that I would struggle to keep his ego in check.   When I married my husband, I didn't want him to work a job that pays miserably.  I didn't want to go back to work.  I didn't want to ask people to help us adopt two African children. I didn't want to live in an old house in a "poor" neighborhood. The lists of  "I didn't want" went on and on.  Praise God that he didn't give me what I wanted!!!!  Olivia and her autism have changed me from top to bottom, and all for the good.  Eli's intelligence has challenged me to be thoughtful and search out God's answers to every question.   I get to see my husband fulfilled and joyful while he ministers to special needs children everyday.  At work, I am stretched and pushed to be more loving than I am naturally and to seek God's wisdom in each decision.  Our adoption process has taught me that I have amazing people in my life who trust and support us and who will fight with us to unite our family.  And that old house in the poor neighborhood has become a sanctuary for countless neighborhood children who need a safe place to play and a loving adult to listen to them, often for the first time.

My prayer today and everyday is that God will constantly remind me not to be distracted by all of the "stuff" in this short life but to keep listening to His voice as we prepare for the afterlife.  When I am tempted to have a pity party, may He remind me that each and every circumstance is His to deal with and His to transform into something beautiful. When I die, I long to hear my Father say "Well done, Kristie.  You have been a good and faithful servant."  

resting in a selah







In the books of Psalms and Habakkuk, the writers uses the word "selah".  There have been many disagreements on the meaning of the word but I lean towards a traditional definition; pause.  I've always been very taken with this word.  Was King David telling his musicians to pause, or was he pausing to meditate on his last words?  Maybe he just needed a moment to sit in his feelings before moving on to the next feeling or thought. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was feeling like a hamster on a wheel, running, running, running.  I was trying to take on everything thrown my way and keep juggling all of my normal stuff and I was tired.  Then I remembered that wonderful, often skipped over word; selah.  I needed to pause.  There are some things in life that you can't put on hold so those things had to stay but the extras were put aside.  I took this time to sit in silence and pray.  I thought about life and what I wanted out of life.  I thought and prayed about what was good in my life and what was weighing me down.  I took time to whisper all of my thoughts and concerns in those moments of silence to my God, my Father.  And in those moments I found that I am ...enough.  What a simple little word.  Enough. When my house is a mess because I choose to go for a long walk with my family, in God's eyes I'm enough.  When I am at work and feeling like I'm not really making a difference, God tells me I'm enough.  When my pile of laundry is towering over my head or my car is littered with empty water bottles and gum wrappers that didn't quite make it in the trash bag, God's Word says I'm enough.

 So, if God says I'm enough why have I spent countless years feeling worthless? 

Just when I was starting to feel peaceful, I get hit with this.  Now that I know I am enough, how do I start living it out  as truth?  What I would do for the ability to erase all of those consuming thoughts that race through my mind day after day. 

I look at the clutter on the coffee table and I hear "You should be better than this."  I see dishes in the sink and I hear "Why can't you be like them?   The ones who have their act together?"  My kids misbehave in public and I hear "You're a terrible mother. You should do better".   I see other's success and I hear "Give up. You're nothing but a failure".

It seems as if every criticism I've ever received has multiplied and burrowed deep into my soul and only God can dig out this wicked weed.  This pruning is painful and hard.  I find that I cling to things that hurt simply because I don't like the unknown.  I'd rather wrap my arms around this thorny mess than cut away that which feeds the lies that distract me from the truth that I am truly enough.

I must make a decision.  I cannot avoid the truth, both that I am all I need to be to be loved, valued, used, and cherished by my Father God and that I need to remove the weeds of doubt and criticism.  I truly don't know what I will do.  I can't honestly say that I've got the pruning shears in hand and I'm ready to take action.  So, again I say selah.  Friends, please pray for me as I pause to hear my Lord's voice.  Join me as we learn the truth that we are enough.

Selah

Aahhh...tomato plants

Am I the only one who gets way overly excited about growing stuff?  This morning I stopped and just spent time with my tomato and jalapeno plants.  I know its weird but I just get the best feeling of peace and accomplishment when I see those tiny little jalapenos and tomatoes!  This year we have several pots on our long front porch with tomatoes and a variety of peppers. 

 They started out as wimpy little sprouts and with time (and a lot of rabbit poop) they are big leafy plants bursting with possibilities!  I love watching them grow, I love the delicate little flowers that suddenly show up, and then the tiniest little hint of fruit appears...I love it!!!  I must sound insane.  I guess there are so many things we can't count on in life.  Whether its something big like our messed up government or something small like the idiot driver who wants to occupy your space, life is full of unpredictability and craziness that we can't hide from.  But I know that when I get home, I will be greeted by my little plants and as long as I protect them from the elements and keep them watered and staked up, they will do exactly what I expect.  And in a short while, I will break out the Ranch dressing and have at those tomatoes.  So bring on the stress of living with autism, or the stress of adoption, or even the stress of life in general.  I've got tomatoes!  I've also got God's word.  He says,

28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary

 and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble

 and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 

30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

This verse is proven every day in my life.  My burden can get stinkin' heavy but I don't have to bear it.  God is teaching me, each and everyday.  I can actually say that I am grateful for the difficulties because without them I wouldn't have the opportunities to learn to rest in my Lord's strong arms.  When people comment on all the things we have going on; whether its therapies, or missions trips, or adoption, or even fostering kittens for the SPCA, their comments are usually a passive aggressive way of saying "You're doing too much!"  But I'm not.  I only have this short lifetime to do what needs to be done.  When it's too much, we slow down, check in with God and recharge.  The verse above doesn't say dump your burdens, it says Jesus is there carrying it with us.  It doesn't say run from difficult tasks, it says "take up my yoke."  So we do and we know tiredness and we receive true rest because of it.  

This morning Olivia was not having her best morning and there were a lot of tears.  So I dealt with it.  And when I was done, I went out to my front porch and looked at my little plants and rested.  Then I got up and went on with my day.  

So that's why I love my plants.  I guess if God could use a donkey to teach a prophet, He can use a tomato plant to teach me.

  

Yesterday was quite the storm but today was all rainbow. Praise the Lord for Rainbows!

   After yesterday, I am amazed Olivia's school didn't lock and bar the doors when we pulled up today.  When I dropped off Olivia at school this morning, it appeared that Olivia was going to do a repeat performance of yesterday (refer to the previous blog).  She crossed her arms, sidestepped her aid and started to make a break for it.  I yelled out the car window (probably a little louder than necessary) "THERE WILL BE NO IPAD TODAY!!!" Amazingly, Olivia's hand shot out and grabbed her aid's hand and walked like a little princess into the school. The aid was so shocked she just looked over her shoulder at me with eyes the size of softballs.  I drove away as fast at as an elementary parking lot would permit just in case she reverted to Rabid Olivia.  If that happened, I didn't want to know.

Several hours later, I was sitting at my desk shuffling through endless paper when my phone rang.  There it was; the school's phone number.  I actually hollered "Come on! Not again!". I didn't answer and let it go to voice mail. 

DON'T JUDGE ME!  

Yesterday was rough and, YES, I am that parent!  Anyway, I listened to the message and it was her Sped teacher calling just to let me know that Olivia was doing awesome!   I guess the combo of taking away the iPad, making her do LOTS of manual labor, and reminding her 3,819 times that what happened yesterday would never, ever be tolerated again worked!!  At the end of the day when Dan picked she and Eli up, the Sped teacher said that today was her best day yet.  She read a book (something she hates), she did math, and... AND...she had a good attitude.  And if that wasn't awesome enough, it got better!

We got home and she did her chores without complaining, then she and Eli took turns reading pages of a book...TOGETHER!  She sat at the table and ate dinner without choking, spitting or crying then followed that by clearing the table and helping to clean the kitchen.  And THEN, she cuddle with me on the couch while we used her autism language app on her iPad in a way that it was not intended, resulting in a lot of giggling.  And the cherry on top?  She went to bed with out crying or bargaining and went right to sleep. 

Yesterday was quite the storm but today was all rainbow.  I love rainbows!

The school called three times!!!

Olivia, my very unpredictable daughter!

Today was not Olivia's finest day.  It started with me dropping her off at a side door where an adult staff member is to meet her and walk her to class.  So far, she has not cooperated with this process even once during summer school.  She has run across the school lawn, fallen to the ground yelling "I'm too shy", and attached herself to a tree requiring her adult aid to pry her off. So today I gave her yet another threatening speech, making it clear that I expected her to walk in like a sane child and behave.  She agreed and smiled and looked so cute as she unbuckled her seat belt.  

Then she ran.  Again. 

 I watched as the aid chased her down and dragged her inside.  I drove away with this lovely visual in my rear view mirror.  

I started planning my discipline for when she got home (no iPad, no computer, no anything!) and plotting my next speech on expectations (I would remove the curse words before actually giving the speech, of course) when my phone rang.  I wasn't even at work yet!!!  The special ed teacher was calling because Olivia was hunkered down in a bean bag clutching her breakfast and refusing to move.  The overwrought teacher explained that they had tried to "motivate" Olivia to go to her desk to eat but she refused and would scream bloody murder if anyone came near her.  The teacher wanted to know if I had any suggestions on how they should proceed.  Well, of course I had suggestions but it turns out that "Snatch that child up and drop her in her desk and threaten to make her life miserable if she doesn't listen" was not an appropriate plan of action.  As I tried to come up with a less "direct" way of motivating her, the teacher informed me that Olivia had realized I was on the phone and was now sitting at her desk, having breakfast, and all was well.  We said a tense goodbye and I tried to lower my blood pressure with deep breathing as I went into the office. 

An hour later, my cell phone rang again.  Olivia did not want to do as she was told and was running from all adults.  OK, what am I supposed to do?  I offered to leave my office, drive half an hour to her school, and "deal" with her but the teacher felt they could handle it and just wanted to keep me informed.  Great.  Now I was informed and my blood pressure was sky high again. 

Three hours later my phone rang again.  When I saw the schools number, I was tempted to launch the phone across the office but decided to just answer instead.  It was the principle.  She gently informed me that Olivia had kicked her teacher in the shin and attacked her aid, scratching her arms.  She followed this up with "Don't worry, though.  The scratches are really red and raised but not too serious."  (How are red and raised scratches not serious?!)  She asked in a sweet yet very tense voice if, by some chance, my husband could pick up Olivia a little early.  The principle asked what time Dan got done at the high school so I told her and she asked if he could, perhaps, come straight to get Olivia.  I told the principle that I would contact Dan and let him know that he was needed and offered again to come immediately. She declined, swearing they could handle another hour with my dear little daughter.  "After all," she said "This is the first time she's ever done this."  First time and last time, if I have anything to say about it!

By the time I left the office, Dan had picked up the kids and had Olivia doing manual labor at home.  I took a moment to talk to Olivia about her day, which always makes for an interesting conversation.  Her version of the story went like this.  "I didn't want to do what they told me to do so I ran away.  When they caught me I became a kitten and attacked."  Awesome.  Who knew I would have to make a rule about not becoming a rabid kitten at school?   We covered all of the rules she broke and she had to finish all of the chores Daddy gave her and then write an apology letter to her aid.  By the time this was all done, I was exhausted.  

While this was not a normal day, the unpredictability was very normal.  We never know which Olivia we will wake up to in the morning.  Today, apparently it was Insane Kitten Olivia.  I'm praying that tomorrow we wake to Super Awesome Olivia or even Not-Kicking-Or-Scratching Olivia would be nice. 

I got served!

I love to talk about Africa.  I love to think about Africa.  It annoys people but it is my passion (right after my God, my husband, and my children).  I am often asked by people who know I've been to Africa about my experience.  I am very open and honest about all of my experiences, both good and bad.  So often people will reply "I could never do that!".   But what really drives me crazy is when I get the I-could-never-do-that-so-I-won't-be-doing-anything response.  I think it annoys me because I was once that person.  I went to a bible college where missions was the main push.  It felt as if you weren't worth much if you weren't in the missions program.  I was terrified of even thinking about leaving the good ol' USofA for any reason, much less to tell people about Jesus.  I decided that I wasn't called to missions and that was that!
Now recently, I've come to realize I had a very limited view of missions.  The only definition of missions I had was that missions was where a person sacrificed their life at home and went overseas to serve for a lifetime reaching the unreached.  Now that I've been blessed to have gone on several missions trips, I see a totally different definition of missions.  Missions is everywhere and it isn't always about serving the unreached.  Let me explain.  When my husband or I go overseas, our life at home does not stop.  We desperately need missionaries in our own lives to help serve us as we serve others.  If it wasn't for wonderful friends who step up each time with meals, phone calls to keep us sane, and even childcare, we would never be able to serve overseas.  It's these "local missionaries" that make overseas missions possible.
After my last trip to Africa, we had a meeting at the church where people could come and ask questions about our trip and we shared our experiences.  At the end of the meeting, a very sweet old lady said, "What can I do to serve? I can't go to Africa!"  My response was "Good! You can serve here.  You can lift my family up so that we can go!"  She was very excited to have a roll in reaching the unreached on an island in Africa where the name of Jesus isn't often known.
So I say all of that to say this: SERVE!  Serve in what ever way you can.  It is very important to know what you can do and what you can't.  Not everyone can physically handle the environment in Sierra Leone.  I came home from my last trip with giant blisters and missing several toenails.  It was rough!  But I survived and even thrived through the difficulties because I knew I was serving my Lord and I knew my husband had support back at home.  We had friends who kept tabs on how things were going and encouraged him the whole time.  I have fallen short on this kind of service, too.  Its easy for me to feel as if I have an excuse not to serve at home when I'm recovering from missions trips.  But I don't!  So today, commit to making a sacrifice for someone else.  When I die, I want to know I was uncomfortable in life more than I was comfortable.  I want to know that I sacrificed and gave instead of slinking down in my couch and eating a bag of chips while others were struggling to serve God.  Keep me accountable.  When I stumble, remind me of my own words but be ready to be held accountable also.  We are called to give our lives to God, not to slave for our lives so that we don't know difficulty. I'll let the Bible sum it up:

Galations 5:13

For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. 

But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, 

use your freedom to serve one another in love.

1 Peter 4:10

God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. 

Use them well to serve one another.

The ups and downs

After a tough few days, I have been so looking forward to this weekend.  A weekend that is more or less unscheduled and started Thursday night. What more could I want?  Olivia's big request for the weekend was to stay up and catch lightning bugs, which we agreed with of course.  The four of us sat outside, enjoying a cool evening, waiting for dusk to arrive.  It wasn't long before that first little flash came and the chase was on.  Pretty soon Olivia and Eli had a container full of flashing lights.  I love watching them run and giggle, trying to catch the elusive lightning bug.  In that peaceful moment, I flashed back to a peaceful night long ago.  I was eighteen years old and working as a camp counselor.  Our little crew of counselors were on our night off and taking advantage of being kid free.  We all laid out on the side of a hill talking late into the night.  I was mesmerized by the millions of stars you can only see when your out in the middle of nowhere.  Bats began to swoop through the air above us looking for their evening meal.  Someone picked up a small stone and threw it up in the air and bats began to swoop and chase the stone.  I grabbed a stone and threw it and another bat swooped towards it a few feet above me.  It was strange and somehow wonderful.  We lay on that hill "playing" with the bats for hours.  It was pure peacefulness.
With this memory playing through my mind, I asked Eli if he would like to play with the bats.  He gave me that look that means "Are you serious or messing with me?"  I took him and Olivia to our garden where I told them each to grab a handful of pebbles.  Dan smiled at me because, long ago, I showed him how to play with bats.   The trio followed me to the end of the driveway where a streetlight had just turned on.  I told the kids about how the bats would swoop toward our thrown pebbles if we timed it just right.  They were so excited and started competing with each other to make the best bat call.  It was a little annoying but they were have a great time, squeaking and squealing.  Suddenly, a bat swoop overhead and Dan threw a stone up in the air and the bat dove to follow it.  I threw a stone and the bat turned and twisted in the air.  The kids joined in and soon there was pea gravel flying in the air.  We all laughed and ducked as the pebbles rained down, bouncing off our heads, our shoulders, and a couple bounced off the car.  We continued to "play with the bats" until all our pebbles were gone.  I walked to the car and sat down on the trunk for a better view of the full moon just starting to peak over the houses across the street.  Soon the family was all gathered on the back of the car, mesmerized by the huge moon slowing showing itself to us.  We sat quietly chatting and cuddling.  It was perfect.  Eli leaned over and whispered, "This is the best day ever."  And it was.  It was the best day simply because we were there together completely focus on each other.  I went to bed that night feeling content and complete.
Then today came and we found out some plans to see extended family weren't going to work out.  We were so devastated and sad.  It was hard enough to deal with having to go even longer without seeing people we very much want to see, but we were crushed to find out that the reason was that there are too many other people in our family that came before us.  It sounds so petty but I think everyone wants to feel like they are important to the ones they love.  It feels like such a slap when you have to be squeezed in between all of the other family stuff.
Anyway, here's what's clogging up my mind.  Nothing has changed.  Our little family of four is complete and full of happiness.  We haven't seen these family members in ages.  So why do we feel so hurt.  What is it about the human condition that makes us need to feel valued by those related to us?  How can we go from such a high of feeling love and contentment to the low of feeling like that bottom rung of the ladder (you know, the one that no one even uses) when nothing has changed?  Its not like plans were canceled.  Its just that we have heard about this family get together and that family visit so much that our perspective is so screwed up.  We see others who aren't separated by so many miles getting there fill of family interaction, but only from a few instagrams or facebook posts.  We see cousins getting the love and interaction we ache for our kids to have.  We see, we see, we see.
That's the whole problem.  We see.  Every little life event is now out on the internet for us to digest. When I was a child, my mom and dad constantly told me to stop comparing myself to others.  Life isn't fair and if we strive for it to be, we will only know disappointment.   Well, I guess I never learned the lesson because tonight I know disappointment.  And that makes me feel even worse because the One who truly knows me and wants to be with me, knows my value.  He is all I should need.  My spiritual side knows this but my weak human side just wants to be loved A LOT.  Yeah, I'm needed and I know it.  I want to be in the pictures and I want to mentioned in the Facebook posts.  So what do I do?  I guess I write it all out in a blog and move on.  After all, I still have a lot of awesome weekend left.

Hey!

Check out the plethora ( my favorite word I learned from The Three Amigos) of bracelets on our site!  Click on the link to see our huge selection.

 http://1000braceletcampaign.blogspot.com/

Shop 'til you drop

We continue to make bracelets for our 1000 Bracelets Campaign.  I will be listing a bunch of new ones in the next couple of days and then working on styles for men.  Take a look...
http://1000braceletcampaign.blogspot.com/

Calgon...Take me away!

Do you remember those old commercials with the woman all stressed out at work yelling "Calgon, take me away!"?  I've been having that moment for several days now.  It started with a charity yard sale we held for work.  My dearest friend (who is also my coworker) collected items for this yard sale during the last six months.  By the morning of the big sale, her two car garage was literally filled to capacity.  The first day of the sale we awoke to a heavy downpour and strong winds.  We finally started hauling stuff out of the garage at 12:30 as people swarmed us, buying things out of our hands.  It was total chaos.
 Just as we finally got somewhat organized, Dan arrived to drop of my kiddos who had just gotten out of summer school for the day.  Eli scampered off to kill droids on the Wii, with his buddies in the basement, while Olivia went into "shopping mode".
If you have ever spent a moment with Olivia, you know about this mode.  Olivia is a chronic shopper.  It doesn't matter if its the App Store on her iPad, Walmart, or any given house we happen to be visiting, she is always shopping.  She is obsessed (or in autism speak we would say fixated) on getting more stuff.  This is kind of ironic because we are not a "get more stuff" kind of family.  Now we drop her into a yard sale full of stuff that costs $.25 and she starts pacing back and forth between the tables, talking (literally) to all of the neat stuff she finds.  As if this wasn't disconcerting enough to the strangers who are just trying to shop, suddenly Olivia darted after a little kid who made the mistake of choosing a stuffed animal that Olivia "donated" to the yard sale.  She actually ripped the toy from the poor girls hands and yelled at her.  Mortified, I ran over to intercede and apologize. I watched her like a hawk, but somehow she would get by me and this scenario was repeated several times.  There is simply no reasoning with an autistic child in these situations and no amount of discipline will deter her from her recovery-of-stuffed-animal mission.  This fun time lasted two days and, praise the good Lord in Heaven, the rain returned and the last day of the yard sale was cancelled.  I was exhausted and ready for a day of rest.
The next morning I awoke with a migraine.  This is normal after lifting a lot due to a back condition.  I loaded up on meds, which masked the pain wonderfully but left me dizzy and tired.  We ran errands and tried to have a low key day.  Unfortunately, running errands meant stopping at several stores.  Olivia was in shopping mode as usual and became very angry at me when I reminded her that she could only spend her own money (which she had little of since she spends it the moment she earns it).  Her newest phase when she is mad at me is to list everyone she knows that she loves more than me.  She tells me I am ruining her life and I am causing her to "fall to pieces".  I know that she doesn't understand what she is saying but when you are in pain and are tired its hard to deal with your daughter being a total pain in the neck.  But, by God's grace, we made it through the day without me loosing my cool and got a good night sleep, until....
Now its Sunday at 4am.  I wake to feel a warm sensation pooling beneath my calf.  I sit up and realize that when we locked the four kittens we are fostering for the SPCA out of our bedroom, we apparently miscounted.  When poor little kitty could not get to the cat box, she communicated this fact by peeing on my leg.  I wake Dan and we proceed to strip the bed.  Now I am wide awake and staring at the ceiling fan.  A couple of hours later, the kids wake up and Olivia asks for her iPad, which she looses for bad behavior.  She again tells me how bad a mother I am and I feel my temperature rising.  As the morning goes by, little things keep happening that intensify this flame growing in my chest.  I start thinking about how much I hate autism.  How I feel like a failure as a mom and a wife.  How, no matter what I do, I am constantly feeling like everyone thinks I don't do enough.
I am having a serious pity party and I know it, but I don't care.  The flame grows hotter and I decide that instead of exploding onto my family I'll go for a drive.  I made it to the end of my street and realize I'm way too tired to drive aimlessly and park in an empty parking lot.  I rolled the windows down and just sat and watched the world go by.  I start to pray and the flame starts to subside.  I remember the verse about how life is full of troubles and for some reason that is a huge comfort.  Its okay when life is messy and its okay if I am messy.  I start to focus on the positives of autism, though this is a struggle.  I think about the huge hugs I get from my son and the mother's day card he gave me with words describing me as strong and adventurous (how does a six year old know the word adventurous?).  I feel the breeze blow through the car and I cry.  I cry for the little girl who will never be "normal".  I cry for my marriage that must sustain and flourish with this added stress when so many others fail.
I cry for my husband who has to put up with me.  I cry for me because I have to put up with him.
 Essentially, I took some time to have that pity party I needed then I sucked it up, buttercup.  I emailed Dan everything on my mind and he listened.  He told me to come home so he could hug me and I did.  Eli and Olivia greeted me at the door and told me they had cleaned out Dad's messy car while I was gone.  Eli looked so proud and Olivia wanted to get paid so she could go shopping.  I found this to be rather funny, all things considered.  The rest of the day went on smoothly, with lots of hugs and reading books and just focusing on the positive.
The next day I headed back to work and found out I was going to be alone in the office for a couple of hours.  I sat in the dark and quiet office and dug into the piles of requests for financial assistance that had landed on my desk while I was out working the yard sale.  Page after page of people asking for money.  Story after story full of miserable details of why they couldn't pay their bills.  Some were lies and some were true.  All were exhausting. I split the pile into two piles, one for those who may qualify for assistance and those who did not and I started writing apologetic letters to the latter.  With each letter I see the face of the person reading it and feeling crushed.  It's not easy.  But its my job so I do it and I do it well.
This was five days of my life.  Five days that weren't all that great.  Five days that I had a seriously bad attitude about.  But was that the reality of those five days?  Not really.  The reality was this: we raised over $1200 to help the poor in our community; Olivia learned to let go of her old toys and be kind to people as they bought them;  Eli learned that Mommies and Daddies can have bad days but they still love you and love your hugs; Dan got his car clean (miracle!); people got the financial help they desperately needed, and I learned more about myself, my God, my family, and my capacity to deal with those days that are full of troubles.  I also learned that five bad days are just five bad days.  Each day is a new opportunity to grow and learn and to teach my children of God's sovereignty and love and strength.
The Bible tells us about Mary and Martha going through some really bad days after their brother died.  They did not see the positive side of the situation.  They were sad and angry and depressed.  But those days ended.  Jesus brought their brother back to them to show all of us that he is the Writer of our story.  We may live the events and feel the emotions, but he puts it all together for our good.  So Calgon might take me away but I'd rather have Jesus who brings me back.

The longest ultrasound EVER!

The adoption waiting game is like nothing else.  Our family spent years (over a decade) talking and praying about how adoption would be part of our lives.  We have finally reached the point of moving forward.  We had a special little boy in Sierra Leone that we love tremendously and had hoped to make our son, but that was not to be.  So we found ourselves on our knees again, asking God what path to follow.  It was very clear that we were to continue with our adoption journey.  Now we are living that moment I call the "fuzzy ultrasound" moment.  If you have ever been expecting a child, you know that moment right before you see that amazing little baby outline on your ultrasound.  You are gazing at a screen of grey fuzz, searching for your little one.  Its the moment just before there is no doubt that you are the parent of a beautifully created child.  That is where we are.  We know our family is going to grow but we are at the moment just before we are matched with our child.  Every day I wonder, who is it going to be?  The weird thing is that we know we have already met our child.  Dan and I have been to the orphanage several times and interacted with all of the children there.  We know each little face.  It is exciting and stressful all at the same time and it is a wonderful opportunity to call out to God and ask him to orchestrate each moment.  So we wait and we pray...

Bracelets, Bracelets, and MORE Bracelets

I am often asked why we want to adopt overseas when it's so much cheaper to adopt from foster care.  Its a legitimate question but a hard one to answer clearly.  Dan and I have been working towards being certified to provide foster care.  Ironically, it is harder to pass a home study for the foster care system when you live in an 100 year old house than it is to pass a home study for overseas adoption.  That is just one small factor in our journey.
 I would say the main motivation to adopt from Sierra Leone is the fact that we have seen first hand the conditions these children are surviving and we can't "un-see" them.  Children in the US foster care program certainly don't have it easy and we are in desperate need of more good foster care families.  However, these children at least have a chance to lead a healthy life an make a success of their lives.  The orphans of Sierra Leone have little if no chance of bettering their situation as they age out of the orphanages.  Few will receive an education due to not having anyone to sponsor they educational fees. They all will most likely live on the streets, selling what they can to survive.  The girls are very likely to be pushed into the sex trade.  Many will die because they will not have an income that allows them to get medical care.  Those girls who do marry will most likely bare many children who they will in-turn have to be turned over to the orphanages because they cannot provide for them.  The future for these helpless children is bleak.
So here we are, committed to adopting overseas.  The big question for our family is how in the world will we pay for this?!  We are cutting every corner possible and constantly brainstorming on how to raise funds.  One of the ways we are doing this is by making and selling bracelets.  As of now, we have about 20 to 25 designs we are working on.  Our goal is to sell 1000 bracelets for a suggested donation of $10 each.  That means that we (meaning me) are spending all our spare time making bracelets.  Our house has a ridiculous amount of hemp bits and thread and beads scattered here and there.  It is not an easy project but it has turned into such a blessing.  With each bracelet, I think about our future.  I pray for the child that will join our family.  I pray for our family as we grow.  I pray for the person who kindly buys that bracelet.  This little project has so impacted my soul and I am tremendously grateful.
If you are so moved, will you buy a bracelet?  You can follow our link to our campaign site that is on the top right of our webpage.  Thank you so much!  Now...back to making bracelets!

What's with the third degree?

I feel so exposed!  We have completed our part of the home study.  This involves pages and pages of information all about us.  You get to share all of your finances, your criminal background, and even your fingerprints with a perfect stranger who decides if you are a good candidate to parent a child.  Then you get to ask friends and family to complete referrals that include questions about our mental state and ability to handle stress (we carefully chose which friends got to fill those out!)  And to top it off, there's the "personal autobiography".  This is SUPER fun (insert sarcasm here).  As prospective adoptive parents, we are given two pages full of questions and are asked to answer each question with a paragraph.  These are questions that cover EVERY aspect of your life.  What you've experienced, what you thought about what you've experienced, what you expect to experience, how you feel about all of said experiences, and what everyone who has ever known you feels about the way you experienced all of these experiences. It a lot!  I finally finished mine at ten pages, single spaced.  I know I'm getting old but ten pages, really?  I am fairly boring and am not sure how I filled ten pages but I did.  The whole experience (I'm getting tired of that word) is neither negative or positive, its just odd.  When, in your normal life, do you stop and contemplate every major and many minor events of your life?  And then, when you finally finish, you give it to a complete stranger to read.  Its just all a little uncomfortable.  But not in a bad way.  Kind of like getting a tooth pulled.  You dread it before you do it, you suffer through it, and then you are glad you did it.  The best part is when you finally feel like you've done all of the hard stuff, another complete stranger comes to your home to "go over" everything you shared.  So, there you are, with a complete stranger, asking you to expand on the event in your life that most affected you and to verify that you truly have never been convicted of a felony, etc.  Totally normal, right?  The cool thing about the entire process is that you get to really look at the big picture of who you are and how you got to be that way.  I am so glad to have had so many life shaping experiences.  Its a real blessing to stop and recognize how God has worked throughout my life, molding me.  And the best part is that we are one step closer to growing our family!!!

What does THAT mean?!

So you may be wondering why we named this blog Autistic, Average and African.   We are a unique family made of of two parents (male and female, just to be clear), two kids living in our home, and who knows how many kids-to-be not living in our home.  Any clearer?  No?  OK...
Our first child is the amazing Olivia.  She is cute as can be, so creative it makes my mind spin,and she is autistic.  Our second child is the extraordinary Eli.  He is a walking encyclopedia (for those younger than 25, that is a big ol' book of info), he is so adorable it makes my teeth hurt, and he is called an "average learner" (those less p.c. would call him normal).  Now our third child is yet to be known.  He/She is currently an orphan in Sierra Leone, Africa.
So that is where the name of the blog came from.
We are your typical middle class family.  Dan and I met twenty years ago, were married seventeen years ago, and started out like most of our couple friends.  We worked, we enjoyed our free time and we got to know each other.  After four years we decided to start growing our family but, as with many things, life threw us a curve ball.  Four years later we found ourselves closing in on thirty and still no kids.  We began researching adoption and just as we started to gear up for our home study, you guessed it, I got pregnant.  Nine months later, Olivia was born.  We had dreamed of this little bundle of joy for so long and here she was! Once again, life threw us another curve ball.  We were now the proud parents of a beautiful, angry baby who did not want to be held.  It was obvious that Olivia was unique but it took four years until she was finally diagnosed as autistic.  So what does autistic mean for our family.  It means Mama had to learn to lighten up!  I went from a strictly scheduled life of cleaning and organizing my home (so everyone who didn't live there would approve) to a life that included lots of deep breaths and going with the flow.  It meant that sometimes our family would get those sour-faced stares at restaurants or stores when Olivia's volume button got stuck on LOUD.  It meant that sometimes we would have to learn to just smile at strangers when Olivia would stand at the most crowded part of a store and announce loudly "I like animals", making sure everyone present was aware of her affinity for fury creatures.  It meant that we try to go to movies when less people are there because Olivia enjoys a full body (and vocal chord) experience when at the cinema (imagine a overstimulated child in a seat that goes up and down).  It also means that we have discovered the joys of simple accomplishments that other parents might take for granted.  Things like getting hugs and kisses, her being able to dress herself (more or less), and seeing our children hold a real conversation in the back seat.  We are so blessed to have the requirement of slowing down and counting EVERY blessing.  The day that Olivia was diagnosed, I remember the doctor looking me in the eye and telling me that my amazing little girl d was mildly retarded.  She said Olivia would be very limited in her ability.  Four years later, I look at this beautiful young girl who can read, do complicated math problems, and knows more about biology and animal species than most adults.  She is amazing!!!
When Olivia was two, her brother was born.  He has brought a whole other dynamic to the family.  He teaches us all to be carefree and to sing at the top of our lungs.  He challenges us to find the answer for any question and won't settle for "I don't know".    Being born into a family with an older autistic sister, he has shown us what it is to live with autism as a fact, not a new occurrence.  He has an amazing heart and he stuns us with his compassion.
So here we were, a perfect family of four going about life in a normal fashion.  We could have just let it ride.  We could have been content, and we were... until Africa.  Africa changed everything.  Dan and I joined with our church and agreed to go to Africa on a missions team at least three times each.  I went first and when I came home, I was changed.  Dan tried very hard to understand but how can you understand another person's experiences?  Then Dan went.  He came back and one of the first things he said to me is "I get it now".  We never planned on ever going outside of this great country's borders but once we did we could no longer be the same.  We saw the reality of a third-world war-torn country.  We saw beautiful people who need to know that God loved them.  We saw children with no one to hug them each night and kiss their little foreheads as they drifted off to sleep.  We saw for the first time how small we are and how big the world really is.  We saw that our lives had more to give and we could never be blind to the need of all people around the world.  During our time in Sierra Leone, Africa, we visited an orphanage.  Oh, those beautiful children, hurting through smiles.  Those eyes showing the pain of being an orphan.  Those little hands desperate to hold ours.  Dan and I returned to the orphanage together and before our visit was over we knew that one of our children lived there and one day we would bring him or her home.
It now almost a year later and we are so excited that we are now on our way to having our newest family member united with our family.  We have done our home study (more on that another time) and are now starting our fundraising.  We have worked our budget down to save every dollar possible as we prepare for some very expensive days ahead.  Every once in awhile, I worry that I am taking from the children I already have.  I wonder if we should stop this process.   Usually the thought  barely forms in my head when my children will make some comment that encourages my heart.  Olivia will mention how much her future sibling is going to love playing with her toys in her room.  Eli will mention how much fun it will be to take his new brother or sister to the zoo or aquarium "since they never got to go before".   These two precious children have so much love in their heart and, as much as they can understand it, can't wait to have a new brother or sister.
So there we are autistic, average and African.  I hope you will join us on this crazy ride.  I promise that we will be honest which may mean some post are not all sunshine and rainbows but behind all the difficulties, we will share our hope.  Thanks to everyone who has supported us as we step out on this crazy journey.  Here we go!