With having autism, Olivia usually gets the short end of the stick. Dan and I often find ourselves feeling so bad for her as she tries to fit in with other children. We struggle to see the positive when Olivia is "the weird kid" or "the meltdown kid". We fight with our own pride issues when we choose not to be embarrassed when she is inappropriate in public. In general, daily life is hard. Then, every once in a while, we get the amazing joy of seeing her blossom and flourish. And sometimes, we even get to see autism as a gift. Yesterday was one of those days.
We are very blessed to have a special needs camp in our state and even more blessed to receive a scholarship so Olivia could attend. For months, we have been talking about it and the last couple of weeks have been full of funny conversations that included why you can't bring every toy you own to camp, why Mom and Dad can't be campers too, and why it isn't okay to kiss other campers so they will be your friend. We have been counting the days until we leave for camp until Olivia practically vibrated with excitement.
The day finally came. We drove to the camp and along the way Olivia would randomly yell "Ya-hoo!" and make what she calls "fireworks sounds". She asked "Are we there yet?" about 3000 times. She talked nonstop about what she was going to do at camp and how she was going to make lots of friends who are just like her. It was a long drive. Finally the moment arrived. We pulled into the parking area and several camp counselors appeared out of no where to haul Olivia's bags to her cabin. Another counselor introduced herself to Olivia and told her that she would take her to meet her one-on-one counselor. Without a single look back, Olivia was off. Soon she was in the middle of a group of counselors who where quietly welcoming Olivia with this strange, almost silent excitement. Obviously, the counselors are well trained in dealing with kids who have sensory issues and can have bad reactions to loud noise. This was a good sign for a nervous Mama. Then, as I dropped off her meds to the camp nurse, Olivia disappeared with her counselor into a crowd of little campers. We were sent to meet her at her cabin to say goodbye. We passed a few kiddos who where having minor meltdowns, worrying about the personal belongings and one camper who was fighting counselors who wanted to change her after she had an accident. Finally we found Olivia and, of course, she was talking non stop to her counselor about how she wanted to hunt for frogs and play with all of her new friends. It was apparent that, while I was struggling with separation anxiety, Olivia was just fine. I bent down and whispered in her ear that it was time to say good by. In typical Olivia style, she went to her "this is how I should react" mode and burst into tears. I knew right away that she was just doing what she thought was appropriate in this situation. I took her outside to say good by to her dad and brother and she continued to whimper. I bent down and said, "Did you see the pool with the giant water slides?". The crying stop instantaneously and all was well again. We walked with Olivia across the camp ground until it was time for us to head to the car and her to head to the dinner hall. We said goodbye and Olivia turned, yelled goodbye over her shoulder and was gone. No looks back. No last minute regrets about coming to camp. Just pure excitement for this new adventure. Our little trio of Dan, me, and Eli walked to the car and my heart ached to leave my sweet girl but I was so excited for her.
On the long journey back home, I realized that for the first time EVER, we were somewhere where children were having meltdowns and it wasn't our kid! It may sound silly, but it rather exhausting to always be "those parents". You know, the ones you glare at in the grocery store or at restaurants because their kids aren't behaving. And not only was Olivia behaving, she was thriving! Autism is a real pain in the neck most of the time, but this experience was a great reminder of the pros of autism. Because of her autism, Olivia can only feel one emotion at a time. When she is sad, she is VERY sad. But, when she is happy, she is VERY happy. What an amazing gift that is when you are facing a new unknown situation. Watching her bounce down the pathway to dinner feeling only happiness was incredible. How many parents get to have that experience?
So now I am missing my darling daughter and spending every free moment praying desperately for her. I am praying for her safety and that she will have a great time but, mostly, I am praying that the one feeling she has is joy. I don't want her to spend a moment missing us. I want every moment focused on having fun and being happy. I'm doing enough of the "missing" for both of us.
