Aahhh...tomato plants

Am I the only one who gets way overly excited about growing stuff?  This morning I stopped and just spent time with my tomato and jalapeno plants.  I know its weird but I just get the best feeling of peace and accomplishment when I see those tiny little jalapenos and tomatoes!  This year we have several pots on our long front porch with tomatoes and a variety of peppers. 

 They started out as wimpy little sprouts and with time (and a lot of rabbit poop) they are big leafy plants bursting with possibilities!  I love watching them grow, I love the delicate little flowers that suddenly show up, and then the tiniest little hint of fruit appears...I love it!!!  I must sound insane.  I guess there are so many things we can't count on in life.  Whether its something big like our messed up government or something small like the idiot driver who wants to occupy your space, life is full of unpredictability and craziness that we can't hide from.  But I know that when I get home, I will be greeted by my little plants and as long as I protect them from the elements and keep them watered and staked up, they will do exactly what I expect.  And in a short while, I will break out the Ranch dressing and have at those tomatoes.  So bring on the stress of living with autism, or the stress of adoption, or even the stress of life in general.  I've got tomatoes!  I've also got God's word.  He says,

28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary

 and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble

 and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 

30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

This verse is proven every day in my life.  My burden can get stinkin' heavy but I don't have to bear it.  God is teaching me, each and everyday.  I can actually say that I am grateful for the difficulties because without them I wouldn't have the opportunities to learn to rest in my Lord's strong arms.  When people comment on all the things we have going on; whether its therapies, or missions trips, or adoption, or even fostering kittens for the SPCA, their comments are usually a passive aggressive way of saying "You're doing too much!"  But I'm not.  I only have this short lifetime to do what needs to be done.  When it's too much, we slow down, check in with God and recharge.  The verse above doesn't say dump your burdens, it says Jesus is there carrying it with us.  It doesn't say run from difficult tasks, it says "take up my yoke."  So we do and we know tiredness and we receive true rest because of it.  

This morning Olivia was not having her best morning and there were a lot of tears.  So I dealt with it.  And when I was done, I went out to my front porch and looked at my little plants and rested.  Then I got up and went on with my day.  

So that's why I love my plants.  I guess if God could use a donkey to teach a prophet, He can use a tomato plant to teach me.

  

Yesterday was quite the storm but today was all rainbow. Praise the Lord for Rainbows!

   After yesterday, I am amazed Olivia's school didn't lock and bar the doors when we pulled up today.  When I dropped off Olivia at school this morning, it appeared that Olivia was going to do a repeat performance of yesterday (refer to the previous blog).  She crossed her arms, sidestepped her aid and started to make a break for it.  I yelled out the car window (probably a little louder than necessary) "THERE WILL BE NO IPAD TODAY!!!" Amazingly, Olivia's hand shot out and grabbed her aid's hand and walked like a little princess into the school. The aid was so shocked she just looked over her shoulder at me with eyes the size of softballs.  I drove away as fast at as an elementary parking lot would permit just in case she reverted to Rabid Olivia.  If that happened, I didn't want to know.

Several hours later, I was sitting at my desk shuffling through endless paper when my phone rang.  There it was; the school's phone number.  I actually hollered "Come on! Not again!". I didn't answer and let it go to voice mail. 

DON'T JUDGE ME!  

Yesterday was rough and, YES, I am that parent!  Anyway, I listened to the message and it was her Sped teacher calling just to let me know that Olivia was doing awesome!   I guess the combo of taking away the iPad, making her do LOTS of manual labor, and reminding her 3,819 times that what happened yesterday would never, ever be tolerated again worked!!  At the end of the day when Dan picked she and Eli up, the Sped teacher said that today was her best day yet.  She read a book (something she hates), she did math, and... AND...she had a good attitude.  And if that wasn't awesome enough, it got better!

We got home and she did her chores without complaining, then she and Eli took turns reading pages of a book...TOGETHER!  She sat at the table and ate dinner without choking, spitting or crying then followed that by clearing the table and helping to clean the kitchen.  And THEN, she cuddle with me on the couch while we used her autism language app on her iPad in a way that it was not intended, resulting in a lot of giggling.  And the cherry on top?  She went to bed with out crying or bargaining and went right to sleep. 

Yesterday was quite the storm but today was all rainbow.  I love rainbows!

The school called three times!!!

Olivia, my very unpredictable daughter!

Today was not Olivia's finest day.  It started with me dropping her off at a side door where an adult staff member is to meet her and walk her to class.  So far, she has not cooperated with this process even once during summer school.  She has run across the school lawn, fallen to the ground yelling "I'm too shy", and attached herself to a tree requiring her adult aid to pry her off. So today I gave her yet another threatening speech, making it clear that I expected her to walk in like a sane child and behave.  She agreed and smiled and looked so cute as she unbuckled her seat belt.  

Then she ran.  Again. 

 I watched as the aid chased her down and dragged her inside.  I drove away with this lovely visual in my rear view mirror.  

I started planning my discipline for when she got home (no iPad, no computer, no anything!) and plotting my next speech on expectations (I would remove the curse words before actually giving the speech, of course) when my phone rang.  I wasn't even at work yet!!!  The special ed teacher was calling because Olivia was hunkered down in a bean bag clutching her breakfast and refusing to move.  The overwrought teacher explained that they had tried to "motivate" Olivia to go to her desk to eat but she refused and would scream bloody murder if anyone came near her.  The teacher wanted to know if I had any suggestions on how they should proceed.  Well, of course I had suggestions but it turns out that "Snatch that child up and drop her in her desk and threaten to make her life miserable if she doesn't listen" was not an appropriate plan of action.  As I tried to come up with a less "direct" way of motivating her, the teacher informed me that Olivia had realized I was on the phone and was now sitting at her desk, having breakfast, and all was well.  We said a tense goodbye and I tried to lower my blood pressure with deep breathing as I went into the office. 

An hour later, my cell phone rang again.  Olivia did not want to do as she was told and was running from all adults.  OK, what am I supposed to do?  I offered to leave my office, drive half an hour to her school, and "deal" with her but the teacher felt they could handle it and just wanted to keep me informed.  Great.  Now I was informed and my blood pressure was sky high again. 

Three hours later my phone rang again.  When I saw the schools number, I was tempted to launch the phone across the office but decided to just answer instead.  It was the principle.  She gently informed me that Olivia had kicked her teacher in the shin and attacked her aid, scratching her arms.  She followed this up with "Don't worry, though.  The scratches are really red and raised but not too serious."  (How are red and raised scratches not serious?!)  She asked in a sweet yet very tense voice if, by some chance, my husband could pick up Olivia a little early.  The principle asked what time Dan got done at the high school so I told her and she asked if he could, perhaps, come straight to get Olivia.  I told the principle that I would contact Dan and let him know that he was needed and offered again to come immediately. She declined, swearing they could handle another hour with my dear little daughter.  "After all," she said "This is the first time she's ever done this."  First time and last time, if I have anything to say about it!

By the time I left the office, Dan had picked up the kids and had Olivia doing manual labor at home.  I took a moment to talk to Olivia about her day, which always makes for an interesting conversation.  Her version of the story went like this.  "I didn't want to do what they told me to do so I ran away.  When they caught me I became a kitten and attacked."  Awesome.  Who knew I would have to make a rule about not becoming a rabid kitten at school?   We covered all of the rules she broke and she had to finish all of the chores Daddy gave her and then write an apology letter to her aid.  By the time this was all done, I was exhausted.  

While this was not a normal day, the unpredictability was very normal.  We never know which Olivia we will wake up to in the morning.  Today, apparently it was Insane Kitten Olivia.  I'm praying that tomorrow we wake to Super Awesome Olivia or even Not-Kicking-Or-Scratching Olivia would be nice. 

I got served!

I love to talk about Africa.  I love to think about Africa.  It annoys people but it is my passion (right after my God, my husband, and my children).  I am often asked by people who know I've been to Africa about my experience.  I am very open and honest about all of my experiences, both good and bad.  So often people will reply "I could never do that!".   But what really drives me crazy is when I get the I-could-never-do-that-so-I-won't-be-doing-anything response.  I think it annoys me because I was once that person.  I went to a bible college where missions was the main push.  It felt as if you weren't worth much if you weren't in the missions program.  I was terrified of even thinking about leaving the good ol' USofA for any reason, much less to tell people about Jesus.  I decided that I wasn't called to missions and that was that!
Now recently, I've come to realize I had a very limited view of missions.  The only definition of missions I had was that missions was where a person sacrificed their life at home and went overseas to serve for a lifetime reaching the unreached.  Now that I've been blessed to have gone on several missions trips, I see a totally different definition of missions.  Missions is everywhere and it isn't always about serving the unreached.  Let me explain.  When my husband or I go overseas, our life at home does not stop.  We desperately need missionaries in our own lives to help serve us as we serve others.  If it wasn't for wonderful friends who step up each time with meals, phone calls to keep us sane, and even childcare, we would never be able to serve overseas.  It's these "local missionaries" that make overseas missions possible.
After my last trip to Africa, we had a meeting at the church where people could come and ask questions about our trip and we shared our experiences.  At the end of the meeting, a very sweet old lady said, "What can I do to serve? I can't go to Africa!"  My response was "Good! You can serve here.  You can lift my family up so that we can go!"  She was very excited to have a roll in reaching the unreached on an island in Africa where the name of Jesus isn't often known.
So I say all of that to say this: SERVE!  Serve in what ever way you can.  It is very important to know what you can do and what you can't.  Not everyone can physically handle the environment in Sierra Leone.  I came home from my last trip with giant blisters and missing several toenails.  It was rough!  But I survived and even thrived through the difficulties because I knew I was serving my Lord and I knew my husband had support back at home.  We had friends who kept tabs on how things were going and encouraged him the whole time.  I have fallen short on this kind of service, too.  Its easy for me to feel as if I have an excuse not to serve at home when I'm recovering from missions trips.  But I don't!  So today, commit to making a sacrifice for someone else.  When I die, I want to know I was uncomfortable in life more than I was comfortable.  I want to know that I sacrificed and gave instead of slinking down in my couch and eating a bag of chips while others were struggling to serve God.  Keep me accountable.  When I stumble, remind me of my own words but be ready to be held accountable also.  We are called to give our lives to God, not to slave for our lives so that we don't know difficulty. I'll let the Bible sum it up:

Galations 5:13

For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. 

But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, 

use your freedom to serve one another in love.

1 Peter 4:10

God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. 

Use them well to serve one another.

The ups and downs

After a tough few days, I have been so looking forward to this weekend.  A weekend that is more or less unscheduled and started Thursday night. What more could I want?  Olivia's big request for the weekend was to stay up and catch lightning bugs, which we agreed with of course.  The four of us sat outside, enjoying a cool evening, waiting for dusk to arrive.  It wasn't long before that first little flash came and the chase was on.  Pretty soon Olivia and Eli had a container full of flashing lights.  I love watching them run and giggle, trying to catch the elusive lightning bug.  In that peaceful moment, I flashed back to a peaceful night long ago.  I was eighteen years old and working as a camp counselor.  Our little crew of counselors were on our night off and taking advantage of being kid free.  We all laid out on the side of a hill talking late into the night.  I was mesmerized by the millions of stars you can only see when your out in the middle of nowhere.  Bats began to swoop through the air above us looking for their evening meal.  Someone picked up a small stone and threw it up in the air and bats began to swoop and chase the stone.  I grabbed a stone and threw it and another bat swooped towards it a few feet above me.  It was strange and somehow wonderful.  We lay on that hill "playing" with the bats for hours.  It was pure peacefulness.
With this memory playing through my mind, I asked Eli if he would like to play with the bats.  He gave me that look that means "Are you serious or messing with me?"  I took him and Olivia to our garden where I told them each to grab a handful of pebbles.  Dan smiled at me because, long ago, I showed him how to play with bats.   The trio followed me to the end of the driveway where a streetlight had just turned on.  I told the kids about how the bats would swoop toward our thrown pebbles if we timed it just right.  They were so excited and started competing with each other to make the best bat call.  It was a little annoying but they were have a great time, squeaking and squealing.  Suddenly, a bat swoop overhead and Dan threw a stone up in the air and the bat dove to follow it.  I threw a stone and the bat turned and twisted in the air.  The kids joined in and soon there was pea gravel flying in the air.  We all laughed and ducked as the pebbles rained down, bouncing off our heads, our shoulders, and a couple bounced off the car.  We continued to "play with the bats" until all our pebbles were gone.  I walked to the car and sat down on the trunk for a better view of the full moon just starting to peak over the houses across the street.  Soon the family was all gathered on the back of the car, mesmerized by the huge moon slowing showing itself to us.  We sat quietly chatting and cuddling.  It was perfect.  Eli leaned over and whispered, "This is the best day ever."  And it was.  It was the best day simply because we were there together completely focus on each other.  I went to bed that night feeling content and complete.
Then today came and we found out some plans to see extended family weren't going to work out.  We were so devastated and sad.  It was hard enough to deal with having to go even longer without seeing people we very much want to see, but we were crushed to find out that the reason was that there are too many other people in our family that came before us.  It sounds so petty but I think everyone wants to feel like they are important to the ones they love.  It feels like such a slap when you have to be squeezed in between all of the other family stuff.
Anyway, here's what's clogging up my mind.  Nothing has changed.  Our little family of four is complete and full of happiness.  We haven't seen these family members in ages.  So why do we feel so hurt.  What is it about the human condition that makes us need to feel valued by those related to us?  How can we go from such a high of feeling love and contentment to the low of feeling like that bottom rung of the ladder (you know, the one that no one even uses) when nothing has changed?  Its not like plans were canceled.  Its just that we have heard about this family get together and that family visit so much that our perspective is so screwed up.  We see others who aren't separated by so many miles getting there fill of family interaction, but only from a few instagrams or facebook posts.  We see cousins getting the love and interaction we ache for our kids to have.  We see, we see, we see.
That's the whole problem.  We see.  Every little life event is now out on the internet for us to digest. When I was a child, my mom and dad constantly told me to stop comparing myself to others.  Life isn't fair and if we strive for it to be, we will only know disappointment.   Well, I guess I never learned the lesson because tonight I know disappointment.  And that makes me feel even worse because the One who truly knows me and wants to be with me, knows my value.  He is all I should need.  My spiritual side knows this but my weak human side just wants to be loved A LOT.  Yeah, I'm needed and I know it.  I want to be in the pictures and I want to mentioned in the Facebook posts.  So what do I do?  I guess I write it all out in a blog and move on.  After all, I still have a lot of awesome weekend left.

Hey!

Check out the plethora ( my favorite word I learned from The Three Amigos) of bracelets on our site!  Click on the link to see our huge selection.

 http://1000braceletcampaign.blogspot.com/

Shop 'til you drop

We continue to make bracelets for our 1000 Bracelets Campaign.  I will be listing a bunch of new ones in the next couple of days and then working on styles for men.  Take a look...
http://1000braceletcampaign.blogspot.com/

Calgon...Take me away!

Do you remember those old commercials with the woman all stressed out at work yelling "Calgon, take me away!"?  I've been having that moment for several days now.  It started with a charity yard sale we held for work.  My dearest friend (who is also my coworker) collected items for this yard sale during the last six months.  By the morning of the big sale, her two car garage was literally filled to capacity.  The first day of the sale we awoke to a heavy downpour and strong winds.  We finally started hauling stuff out of the garage at 12:30 as people swarmed us, buying things out of our hands.  It was total chaos.
 Just as we finally got somewhat organized, Dan arrived to drop of my kiddos who had just gotten out of summer school for the day.  Eli scampered off to kill droids on the Wii, with his buddies in the basement, while Olivia went into "shopping mode".
If you have ever spent a moment with Olivia, you know about this mode.  Olivia is a chronic shopper.  It doesn't matter if its the App Store on her iPad, Walmart, or any given house we happen to be visiting, she is always shopping.  She is obsessed (or in autism speak we would say fixated) on getting more stuff.  This is kind of ironic because we are not a "get more stuff" kind of family.  Now we drop her into a yard sale full of stuff that costs $.25 and she starts pacing back and forth between the tables, talking (literally) to all of the neat stuff she finds.  As if this wasn't disconcerting enough to the strangers who are just trying to shop, suddenly Olivia darted after a little kid who made the mistake of choosing a stuffed animal that Olivia "donated" to the yard sale.  She actually ripped the toy from the poor girls hands and yelled at her.  Mortified, I ran over to intercede and apologize. I watched her like a hawk, but somehow she would get by me and this scenario was repeated several times.  There is simply no reasoning with an autistic child in these situations and no amount of discipline will deter her from her recovery-of-stuffed-animal mission.  This fun time lasted two days and, praise the good Lord in Heaven, the rain returned and the last day of the yard sale was cancelled.  I was exhausted and ready for a day of rest.
The next morning I awoke with a migraine.  This is normal after lifting a lot due to a back condition.  I loaded up on meds, which masked the pain wonderfully but left me dizzy and tired.  We ran errands and tried to have a low key day.  Unfortunately, running errands meant stopping at several stores.  Olivia was in shopping mode as usual and became very angry at me when I reminded her that she could only spend her own money (which she had little of since she spends it the moment she earns it).  Her newest phase when she is mad at me is to list everyone she knows that she loves more than me.  She tells me I am ruining her life and I am causing her to "fall to pieces".  I know that she doesn't understand what she is saying but when you are in pain and are tired its hard to deal with your daughter being a total pain in the neck.  But, by God's grace, we made it through the day without me loosing my cool and got a good night sleep, until....
Now its Sunday at 4am.  I wake to feel a warm sensation pooling beneath my calf.  I sit up and realize that when we locked the four kittens we are fostering for the SPCA out of our bedroom, we apparently miscounted.  When poor little kitty could not get to the cat box, she communicated this fact by peeing on my leg.  I wake Dan and we proceed to strip the bed.  Now I am wide awake and staring at the ceiling fan.  A couple of hours later, the kids wake up and Olivia asks for her iPad, which she looses for bad behavior.  She again tells me how bad a mother I am and I feel my temperature rising.  As the morning goes by, little things keep happening that intensify this flame growing in my chest.  I start thinking about how much I hate autism.  How I feel like a failure as a mom and a wife.  How, no matter what I do, I am constantly feeling like everyone thinks I don't do enough.
I am having a serious pity party and I know it, but I don't care.  The flame grows hotter and I decide that instead of exploding onto my family I'll go for a drive.  I made it to the end of my street and realize I'm way too tired to drive aimlessly and park in an empty parking lot.  I rolled the windows down and just sat and watched the world go by.  I start to pray and the flame starts to subside.  I remember the verse about how life is full of troubles and for some reason that is a huge comfort.  Its okay when life is messy and its okay if I am messy.  I start to focus on the positives of autism, though this is a struggle.  I think about the huge hugs I get from my son and the mother's day card he gave me with words describing me as strong and adventurous (how does a six year old know the word adventurous?).  I feel the breeze blow through the car and I cry.  I cry for the little girl who will never be "normal".  I cry for my marriage that must sustain and flourish with this added stress when so many others fail.
I cry for my husband who has to put up with me.  I cry for me because I have to put up with him.
 Essentially, I took some time to have that pity party I needed then I sucked it up, buttercup.  I emailed Dan everything on my mind and he listened.  He told me to come home so he could hug me and I did.  Eli and Olivia greeted me at the door and told me they had cleaned out Dad's messy car while I was gone.  Eli looked so proud and Olivia wanted to get paid so she could go shopping.  I found this to be rather funny, all things considered.  The rest of the day went on smoothly, with lots of hugs and reading books and just focusing on the positive.
The next day I headed back to work and found out I was going to be alone in the office for a couple of hours.  I sat in the dark and quiet office and dug into the piles of requests for financial assistance that had landed on my desk while I was out working the yard sale.  Page after page of people asking for money.  Story after story full of miserable details of why they couldn't pay their bills.  Some were lies and some were true.  All were exhausting. I split the pile into two piles, one for those who may qualify for assistance and those who did not and I started writing apologetic letters to the latter.  With each letter I see the face of the person reading it and feeling crushed.  It's not easy.  But its my job so I do it and I do it well.
This was five days of my life.  Five days that weren't all that great.  Five days that I had a seriously bad attitude about.  But was that the reality of those five days?  Not really.  The reality was this: we raised over $1200 to help the poor in our community; Olivia learned to let go of her old toys and be kind to people as they bought them;  Eli learned that Mommies and Daddies can have bad days but they still love you and love your hugs; Dan got his car clean (miracle!); people got the financial help they desperately needed, and I learned more about myself, my God, my family, and my capacity to deal with those days that are full of troubles.  I also learned that five bad days are just five bad days.  Each day is a new opportunity to grow and learn and to teach my children of God's sovereignty and love and strength.
The Bible tells us about Mary and Martha going through some really bad days after their brother died.  They did not see the positive side of the situation.  They were sad and angry and depressed.  But those days ended.  Jesus brought their brother back to them to show all of us that he is the Writer of our story.  We may live the events and feel the emotions, but he puts it all together for our good.  So Calgon might take me away but I'd rather have Jesus who brings me back.

The longest ultrasound EVER!

The adoption waiting game is like nothing else.  Our family spent years (over a decade) talking and praying about how adoption would be part of our lives.  We have finally reached the point of moving forward.  We had a special little boy in Sierra Leone that we love tremendously and had hoped to make our son, but that was not to be.  So we found ourselves on our knees again, asking God what path to follow.  It was very clear that we were to continue with our adoption journey.  Now we are living that moment I call the "fuzzy ultrasound" moment.  If you have ever been expecting a child, you know that moment right before you see that amazing little baby outline on your ultrasound.  You are gazing at a screen of grey fuzz, searching for your little one.  Its the moment just before there is no doubt that you are the parent of a beautifully created child.  That is where we are.  We know our family is going to grow but we are at the moment just before we are matched with our child.  Every day I wonder, who is it going to be?  The weird thing is that we know we have already met our child.  Dan and I have been to the orphanage several times and interacted with all of the children there.  We know each little face.  It is exciting and stressful all at the same time and it is a wonderful opportunity to call out to God and ask him to orchestrate each moment.  So we wait and we pray...

Bracelets, Bracelets, and MORE Bracelets

I am often asked why we want to adopt overseas when it's so much cheaper to adopt from foster care.  Its a legitimate question but a hard one to answer clearly.  Dan and I have been working towards being certified to provide foster care.  Ironically, it is harder to pass a home study for the foster care system when you live in an 100 year old house than it is to pass a home study for overseas adoption.  That is just one small factor in our journey.
 I would say the main motivation to adopt from Sierra Leone is the fact that we have seen first hand the conditions these children are surviving and we can't "un-see" them.  Children in the US foster care program certainly don't have it easy and we are in desperate need of more good foster care families.  However, these children at least have a chance to lead a healthy life an make a success of their lives.  The orphans of Sierra Leone have little if no chance of bettering their situation as they age out of the orphanages.  Few will receive an education due to not having anyone to sponsor they educational fees. They all will most likely live on the streets, selling what they can to survive.  The girls are very likely to be pushed into the sex trade.  Many will die because they will not have an income that allows them to get medical care.  Those girls who do marry will most likely bare many children who they will in-turn have to be turned over to the orphanages because they cannot provide for them.  The future for these helpless children is bleak.
So here we are, committed to adopting overseas.  The big question for our family is how in the world will we pay for this?!  We are cutting every corner possible and constantly brainstorming on how to raise funds.  One of the ways we are doing this is by making and selling bracelets.  As of now, we have about 20 to 25 designs we are working on.  Our goal is to sell 1000 bracelets for a suggested donation of $10 each.  That means that we (meaning me) are spending all our spare time making bracelets.  Our house has a ridiculous amount of hemp bits and thread and beads scattered here and there.  It is not an easy project but it has turned into such a blessing.  With each bracelet, I think about our future.  I pray for the child that will join our family.  I pray for our family as we grow.  I pray for the person who kindly buys that bracelet.  This little project has so impacted my soul and I am tremendously grateful.
If you are so moved, will you buy a bracelet?  You can follow our link to our campaign site that is on the top right of our webpage.  Thank you so much!  Now...back to making bracelets!