In the books of Psalms and Habakkuk, the writers uses the word "selah". There have been many disagreements on the meaning of the word but I lean towards a traditional definition; pause. I've always been very taken with this word. Was King David telling his musicians to pause, or was he pausing to meditate on his last words? Maybe he just needed a moment to sit in his feelings before moving on to the next feeling or thought.
A couple of weeks ago, I was feeling like a hamster on a wheel, running, running, running. I was trying to take on everything thrown my way and keep juggling all of my normal stuff and I was tired. Then I remembered that wonderful, often skipped over word; selah. I needed to pause. There are some things in life that you can't put on hold so those things had to stay but the extras were put aside. I took this time to sit in silence and pray. I thought about life and what I wanted out of life. I thought and prayed about what was good in my life and what was weighing me down. I took time to whisper all of my thoughts and concerns in those moments of silence to my God, my Father. And in those moments I found that I am ...enough. What a simple little word. Enough. When my house is a mess because I choose to go for a long walk with my family, in God's eyes I'm enough. When I am at work and feeling like I'm not really making a difference, God tells me I'm enough. When my pile of laundry is towering over my head or my car is littered with empty water bottles and gum wrappers that didn't quite make it in the trash bag, God's Word says I'm enough.
So, if God says I'm enough why have I spent countless years feeling worthless?
Just when I was starting to feel peaceful, I get hit with this. Now that I know I am enough, how do I start living it out as truth? What I would do for the ability to erase all of those consuming thoughts that race through my mind day after day.
I look at the clutter on the coffee table and I hear "You should be better than this." I see dishes in the sink and I hear "Why can't you be like them? The ones who have their act together?" My kids misbehave in public and I hear "You're a terrible mother. You should do better". I see other's success and I hear "Give up. You're nothing but a failure".
It seems as if every criticism I've ever received has multiplied and burrowed deep into my soul and only God can dig out this wicked weed. This pruning is painful and hard. I find that I cling to things that hurt simply because I don't like the unknown. I'd rather wrap my arms around this thorny mess than cut away that which feeds the lies that distract me from the truth that I am truly enough.
I must make a decision. I cannot avoid the truth, both that I am all I need to be to be loved, valued, used, and cherished by my Father God and that I need to remove the weeds of doubt and criticism. I truly don't know what I will do. I can't honestly say that I've got the pruning shears in hand and I'm ready to take action. So, again I say selah. Friends, please pray for me as I pause to hear my Lord's voice. Join me as we learn the truth that we are enough.
Selah
