Living Psalm 27 in 2016

As 2015 comes to a close I have decided to stop hiding.  I stopped blogging for a long time because someone tried to misuse things I wrote to hurt our family.  To protect my husband and all four of my children, I am willing to be silent but not when it distances me from family and friends.  As we continue down the difficult road of adoption, we need the support of those who show God’s love more and more each day.  So I cautiously write…

It is very early on this last day of 2015.  I am already at work dealing with personnel issues and about to face a mountain of paperwork.  I am taking a moment to snuggle down in my office chair and treasure a cup of tea before the next phone call, complaint, news of illness, or anything else that gets thrown my direction.  As I look forward to a new year I feel very mixed emotions.  Inside my heart there is a tangled knot of hope, despair, love, frustration, gratitude and selfishness.  So much to sift through and untangle as I take each moment of these last 364 days one by one.

 It really has been a good year, maybe even a great year.  I started a new job this year and met a new circle of friends.  People who are earthy and transparent.  I have learned so much from my Monday thru Friday family.  I have learned that calmness is one of the greatest gifts we can give one another.  I have learned that there is nothing better than someone who is passionately on your side.  And I have learned that it truly is our differences that teach us to be more Godly people, full of Jesus’ love for others.  How blessed am I to have such peace in such a difficult world full of sadness and disappointment.  Our little crew has known loss and death this year, the arrival of precious new lives, retirement of friends and new hires becoming new friends.  And through it all they have performed with excellence and integrity.  Each member has shown me the importance of a life fully given to Christ and I am truly and deeply grateful.

Then there is my darling Olivia.  I never would have dreamed that one year could make so many changes in that little waif of a girl.  We began the year with a child who was resistant to nearly everything.  She was anxious and easily upset.  We started using essential oils and changed our approach to disciplining and parenting her and we were pleasantly surprised by the changes in her personality.  As the year went on, we continued to search out ways to help her find contentment and motivation.  We longed to see her self-assured and forward thinking.  Then, a huge obstacle came to stand in our way.  Her insurance company made a computer error that resulted in her losing all coverage.  I was so upset and desperate to fix things and fix them now.  How silly of me not to see that God was still in control.  Because of the insurance issues, Olivia ran out of one of her medications.  The result was a hyper, talkative little girl with no ability to self-regulate.  I thought I would lose my mind as she spoke non-stop from the moment she awoke to the moment she finally went to sleep.  Her teachers and para patiently work with her, trying to get her to focus as her mind raced from one thing to another.  It was all a bit maddening.  Then, one day she stopped rambling.  Her thoughts became more focused.  The anxiety that her educators struggled with for years just melted away.  She began reading and doing complicated math problems.  She became very sympathetic to the children around her, though a bit bossy as she insisted everyone else abide by the letter of the law.  At home, she was sweet and thoughtful.  It was like we had a new child.  When the insurance issues were all ironed out, we chose (of course) to keep Olivia off the one medication that has been stopped.  She is still very much Olivia, providing us with hysterical moments and lots of information on her imaginary world of creatures.  But now, she is a calmer and more peaceful Olivia.  We are filled with gratitude daily as we watch her maneuver through life with this new attitude of joy.  It was yet another lesson in God’s provision.  What I thought was a disaster was actually God working as only he can, with perfect precision.

Along with Olivia’s growth, we saw a great deal of growth in our son as well.  He tested into the gifted program at school and for the first time in his short education, he has found himself challenged and he is loving it.  His second grade gifted class has worked on civil engineering, space exploration, computer coding, and creating a personal profile that shows his character and life experiences.  It’s been so good to see him embrace that added work and grow more than I thought an eight year old could.  At home, he often acts as the big brother even though he is younger.  He shows compassion and maturity and even a bit of wisdom.  We continue to work on humility and I love when he recognizes that all of his gifts are from God. 

While there have been many moments to rejoice this year, there have also been many, many moments of frustration.  We took some strides forward in our adoption then found ourselves treading water in a bottomless pit of waiting.  As a problem solver, it has been a huge learning experience as I have completely relented to having absolutely no control or ability to move things along.  Instead we have focused on bonding over Skype and preparing for the day our two children finally come home.  We have loved those blurry morning sessions of singing and talking.  We treasure each day we see their faces, knowing that the signal could be lost at any moment and we will have to wait again to say “I love you”.  I have literally felt the ache in my arms to hold them close and let them know that we will never leave them.  The pain of distance only deepens the need to have our family whole.  Our fight for these two precious ones is not done by letter writing campaign, or demanding emails.  It’s a fight that takes place on our knees before our champion warrior, our God.   Ask anyone that has known me in my formative years and they will tell you that I am a scrapper, ready to take on any Goliath.  It is only through God’s patience and loving discipline that I have finally relented to His plans.  God continues to make me and mold me into a person who recognizes His wisdom and waits patiently for His action.

But while we are waiting…. why not do a little planning?  So that brings us to our dear little house.  Our very little house.  As we move closer to being a family of six, we desire more and more to have a house that gives us a bit more room.  Unfortunately, the economy has not been very kind to our neck of the woods and fifteen years of enjoying our home have left its mark.  Add to that the fact that Dan and I are far from handy, and we have found ourselves facing a new challenge.  We have made a list of home repairs and updates, checked it twice (trying to find out what will help our home’s price), and… essentially stared at the list wishing for a fairy Godmother named Ty Pennington.  So far, no fairies have shown up to transform a pumpkin into a lovely new deck or bathroom but we have been blessed by some amazing friends and family willing to patch, paint, and purge alongside our little family.  Our friends and members of our small group have encouraged us with word and dead as we transform our little bungalow into the future home of a very lucky family.  What a blessing it is to share life with those who support our calling to enlarge our family through adoption.  There has been much laughter and support wrapped around us and we gratefully and humbly accept the help and experience of these dear people.  I pray when our little home sells that the next family experiences the amazing love we have known inside these walls.

So, here’s to 2015 and all of its gifts and lessons.  May they always be remembered and transform our future.  Now, I raise my tea mug to 2016 in anticipation.  May this coming year fill our home with children, our hearts with God’s love and peace, and our lives with friends and family.  We love you all.

Mi casa a tu casa

If you haven't had the pleasure of doing a home study, you are missing out!!  Imagine having to tell strangers about every aspect of you life, filling out tons of paperwork to confirm everything you've told them, then paying them a ton of money to process said paperwork.  It is daunting!!  Then, when your adoption takes longer than a year, you get to do it all over again!
I thought the second time couldn't be so bad and, really, it wasn't as difficult.  But now we face the dreaded home visit again. (insert dramatic music here)
I hate the home visit.  It feels so foreign for me to share every part of your life and home.  For those who haven't enjoyed this process, here is how it goes.  First, a stranger (ours was very sweet) came into our home with a giant file all about our family.  Then the stranger asked Dan and I deep and probing questions in regards to the giant file in her hands.  She smiled, we smiled.  She questioned, we answered.  She tried to look comfortable, we tried to look comfortable.  Then, just as we started to relax, the stranger asked to speak to our children.  One  word went through my mind; NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
First it was my son's turn.  My son is known to go from the most talkative child to a mute one when put on the spot by a stranger.  When he does speak, it is so quiet that you may not be sure he actually said anything.  He gave his whispered one worded answers and we moved on to Olivia.  Unlike Eli, our daughter is very willing to answer you, usually saying highly inappropriate and random things.  For example, when we told her that a dear friend of ours died unexpectedly, her response was, "Oh no, did he explode?"   And once,  when we walked by several black children at the store, she stopped to ask if they had been orphans in Africa and adopted.  She asks people out in public(male and female) if they are pregnant.  She has told several people that their faces are scary and has been known to scream "Don't kill me!" when she is made to go somewhere she doesn't want to go (she saves this one for when there is a decent crowd of strangers around).  She is unpredictable and rude.  This is what it is like to have a child with Autism.  So having someone ask her important questions can be more than terrifying.  I prayed  that she would just go off on a tangent about frogs until our case worker gave up the interrogation.  That didn't happen but, thankfully, Olivia was in a particularly agreeable mood that day.  She said she was excited to have a new brother and sister but they would need to get their own toys.  Our case worker smiled adoringly, misunderstanding Olivia completely.  "How sweet that you want your brother and sister to have toys all their own!"  Um, is it wrong that I didn't clarify that Olivia was actually saying they need to get their own toys because there was no way she was sharing?  Oh well.
So after the nerve racking verbal inspection, it's time for the visual inspection.  This stranger actually walks through your house, inspecting it.  Cool, huh?!  She asked questions like "Where is your fire extinguisher?" and "Where do you have your emergency exit plan posted?"  I assumed telling her that our emergency exit policy was "Every man for himself" wouldn't have gone over well.  I walked her through our house that I thought was in great shape, but then seemed to be breeding dust bunnies and cob webs ( I swear they were not there the day before!).  I showed her our room, Eli's room, and I tried to run her by Olivia's room but she slid right on by.  There is Olivia, showing this lovely stranger the pretty, life size drawings she has been doing on her wall.  Awesome.  I smiled weakly and explained that I was willing to sacrifice one room to graffiti to keep the high traffic areas free from vandalism.  Surprisingly, she seemed to totally understand, or, she is one amazing actress.
And then it was over.  I  said good-by to the stranger who held our future in her giant file and collapsed on the couch exhausted.
Fun, right!  And now we get to do it again.  So now we have to fix the hole in mudroom floor/basement door (don't judge me!), paint walls (except Olivia's works of art in her room), and try to make our little crappy bathroom look like it can handle six people.   Can you imagine if the state came into your home every time you got pregnant and did this?  Me either!
I know I sound like I'm griping.  This is all tongue in cheek. I really am willing to do whatever it takes to bring my kids home.  It is just so hard to create "homey environment" when we are so busy living in our home!  I look forward to the day when all my children are home and we can just live.  That's all I want.  I want my family to be a family that lives and loves and gets messy.  I want to live every crazy moment of this life to its fullest (in between awesome naps)!
Now, I've got to go find some Spackle and  Febreeze...

Learning to love the chase

4:00 am.  I see this a lot lately.  I wake from a dead sleep, check my phone, and there it is. 4:00 am.  I can’t complain or grumble because seeing 4:00 am is an answer to prayer.  As often happens, the answers to our prayers are not always what we plan out for God to do.  

A while back, I was feeling like there just wasn’t enough time in the day to get everything done and spend quality time with God and my family.  So I asked God to give me time.  I pictured my children becoming good little housekeepers, so I would spend less time cleaning.  I pictured the weeds in my garden (and there are plenty!) dying off, so that I would neither have to spend time working in my yard, nor feel guilty for not spending time working in my yard.  I may have even pictured coming home from work and finding my yard and house all in order due to supernatural intervention.  Hey... I believe God still does miracles.  Why not one where angels come and do my laundry, clean my floors, and fix the leaky window in my basement?  

Instead, God has started waking me at 4 a.m.

This past Monday morning, when my 4 a.m. heavenly wake up call took place, I woke with a sense of expectation.  I had one of those moments when you know that someone needs prayer and needs it now.  So I prayed.  And I prayed.  And I prayed.  Eventually, the restraints of time took over and I hauled myself out of bed to start my day.  While at work, I waited for God to reveal what event took place that morning that required prayer.  I faithfully checked my email, my Facebook, and waited for my phone to ring.  Nothing.  So I headed home, kept my cell close by, and waited.  Nada.  That evening, I put the kids to bed, crawled under my own covers, checked my email and Facebook one last time and...nichts (german for “ain’t nothing there”).  

This got me thinking about how “results motivated” I am.  I’ll be honest, I like results.  I like cleaning up and seeing everything in its place.  I like seeing all the paperwork on my desk at work  done and filed.  I even like seeing the nasty brown water going down the drown after giving the kids showers because they decided to dig in the compost pile to find rhinoceros beetles.  I like to know what I did was “worth it”.   And don’t even get me started on suffering!  If I’m going to suffer, it had better be worth it!!!  You know what I mean.  I’m the type of person who “suffers” at the gym for an hour, fully expecting that hour to result in some serious physical transformation.  When that doesn’t happen, I am much less motivated to do it again.  I like results in every part of my life!

How does this affect my spiritual life, though?  Can spirituality be results oriented?  The majority of people pray to some form or another of a god.  We ask for healing, money, safety, and help finding the car keys.  We ask for patience (big mistake, by the way), wisdom, and time (also a big mistake if you rather not see 4 a.m.).  We ask, not because we just want to let God know what we are thinking about, but because we want results.  But how often do we get what we want?  Let’s be honest; not often.  So, for those of us who persist in praying and crying out to God even when we don’t get the results we want, what gives?

As with all things, we need to go back to Scripture.  The good ol' B-I-B-L-E.  It is very “cool” in the modern-day church to have a “life verse”.  At small group gatherings, we get our “holy” on and share our life verse, reflecting the cosmic love we feel from God.  Being a less than smooshy christian, I was never very good at this.  When I was asked what my life verse was during a young mother's group, I responded:

Job 38 (NLT)

1 Then the Lord answered Job from the whirlwind:

2 “Who is this that questions my wisdom

   with such ignorant words?

3 Brace yourself like a man,

   because I have some questions for you,

   and you must answer them.

4 “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?

   Tell me, if you know so much.

The response was priceless!  Silence and big round eyes followed by a giggle, and, “Who’s next.”

I get it.  It’s not the most lovely of verses but it gives me the right perspective every time.  Who do I think I am?  Who am I to demand results?  Where was I when He was creating every atom, every molecule?  Who am I to whine that “nobody tells me anything”, like a twelve year old girl?  The truth is, we have no right but to praise God for using us, whether we see the results or not.

Job is the ultimate example.  Here is this incredible dude, loving God and reaping the blessings, and along comes Satan.  Satan can’t stand to see Job living a blessed life and declares that Job wouldn’t keep on loving God if God allowed him to lose all of his blessings.  God gives Satan the old “Oh yeah?” and tells Satan to do his worst but not to kill him.  So Satan kills off Job’s kids, takes away his livelihood, covers him in the worst case of boils ever, allows his nagging wife to live, and makes him the laughing stock of the neighborhood.  Now Job is human.  He gets mad, sad, and he feels miserable.  However, regardless of all that has happened, he continues to trust God.  When his wife and friends berate him, he refuses to curse God.  He trusts that God has a plan.  Later in the story, we learn that God blesses Job with more children and wealth but, I think we can all agree, that the pain of loss never goes away even if you learn to move on.  Job still carried the scars of his experience.  

The thing that really hits home for me with this story is this; Job suffered, not solely for his own benefit, but for ours.  Its through his example, that many christians have learned to cling to their faith when others would have walked away.  During his natural life, he would have never known the impact of his suffering and the blessing it would be to millions of jews and christians to come.  When our family was going through an incredibly hard time, I spent a lot of time in the four verses above.  I was so angry and I wanted to know why I was suffering.  God spoke to me over and over in the book of Job.  He showed me that sometimes we don’t get to know the why.  And sometimes  we suffer, not so we can be blessed, but so that others can know God more fully.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Waking up at 4 a.m. is not suffering!  Getting to spend my morning uninterrupted in the presence of my God is nothing but a blessing!  I say all of this because I am learning that I am a tool to be used by God, not always the product at that moment.  Just like a nail that is hammered when using it to build a house does not know the blessings of the home it built.  

Another brief analogy, I hunt rabbits with beagles.  While it is no cake-walk for me, the dogs take the brunt of the difficulty.  They often come home with bloodied tales from briers, thorns here and there, and exhausted from hunting out and chasing those elusive little rodents*.  Why do the dogs do this?  Because they were made by God to do this.  They were made to be a tool so that I might feed my family.  And even though they rarely get to enjoy grilled rabbit wrapped in bacon (so stinkin’ good!), they keep running because they truly love the hunt.  They are satisfied with the process even if they don’t see the results.  At least for us, we know that we will see the big picture someday when we spend eternity with God.

So what are we doing today?  Are we enjoying being the tool that God is using today or are we sitting in the woods waiting for a rabbit to drop dead at our feet?  I challenge us all to learn to love the chase.  I say we learn to love being God’s tool, even when it feels like He’s beating on us just like a nail and we have no idea what the heck He’s trying to build.  Do this because we know, just as Job did, that He has a plan and we are part of it.

*I am aware that rabbits are not actually rodents but within the order of Lagomorpha and the family of leporidae.  In our family, the cute ones we keep as pets are bunnies, the delicious ones harvested from nature are rabbits.

Scurred-pronounced skur'd: slang term meaning to be frightened, a condition of alarm or worry.

Fear.  We all know it.  We all feel it.  But, do we let it control us?

This has been on my mind a lot lately.  I have lived a life fighting my fears.  As a child, I would continuously climb a big old oak tree in our front yard and make myself jump out of it just because I wanted to stop being afraid of heights.   It didn’t work exactly as I planned.  I jumped out of that tree no less than a hundred times and still can’t stand heights.  However, I know I can fight through my fear of heights, whether I need to climb a ladder to work on the gutters or cross a downed tree over a flooded creek because I need a fast way to the other side.  As a teen, I went camping with our youth group in the Florida swamps.  Swamps full of wild pigs, banana spiders, and alligators.  Harnessing fear, I played capture-the-flag in the dark and swam in a river that I had seen numerous alligators swimming in earlier that day.
 As an adult, I now understand the consequences of incomplete insurance coverage, lyme disease, and permanent injury so I’m a lot less likely to do the crazy stuff I did as a child.   I know that there are consequences for everything, good or bad. That said, I am so grateful for a childhood that gave me the room to take risks.  Taking those risks taught me to think through the consequences and make decisions based on whether I’m willing to face those consequences or not.  Some risks have worked out ok and some have resulted in pain and difficulty.

As our family works tirelessly toward the adoption of two children from Africa, we face countless fears.  How can we not?!  Taking in two adolescent children, even with the best of intentions, cannot and will not be a cakewalk!  I look at the pictures and letters from these two precious children and I feel a million emotions.  Right now, second to love, the biggest one is fear.

Will I love them?  Will they love me?  Will everyone get along?  How long until the first meltdown?  What medical issues will we face?  How will extended family feel about them?  When will we feel like a “real” family?  Will we ever feel like a “real” family?  Will they like my cooking?  Will I annoy them with my incessant singing?  How in the world are we going to handle two more people in our house with only one full bathroom?!!!

FEAR!!!!

When fear hits me and it hits hard, I stop.  I stop fretting.  I stop feeling.  I stop everything, save for these three things.  I breath, I pray, and I read God’s word.  And, sometimes, I eat chocolate.
I stick to these three things (or four) because these are the only things that never fail.  So now I’m breathing and praying and reading and what gift does God give me?  He shows me endless stories of people who were afraid and how they reacted to fear and the results of their actions. Here are just a few of the stories that God has put before me in His word.

Story #1 Genesis 3- Adam and Eve.  We might-as-well start at the beginning.  Here are two people who truly have it all.  Then one day, they decide that their desire to have something outweighed their fear of God.  They also decide to listen to a snake rather than to God who CREATED EVERYTHING!!!! What happens?  The world literally turns into a big mess of sin and confusion.
Conclusion #1: Fear of God is good!!!
Conclusion #2:Listening to snakes is bad.
Conclusion #3 Fear of snakes is good.

Story #2 Exodus 1- The Israelites in Egypt.  Or more specifically, the midwives Shiphrah and Puah.  Pharaoh had told these two ladies that they were to kill all the baby boys born to Israelites but they decided they feared God more than some bald dude in a skirt and weird hat.  They lied to Pharaoh’s face (I don’t condone lying) and told him that the Israeli women were so vigorous that they shoved those babies out before the midwives could get to them.   Obviously Pharaoh had not had the pleasure of going through childbirth or he would have known that it takes a bit longer than other bodily functions.  Because of their healthy fear of Him and willingness to follow Him, God blessed not only these women, but all of the Israelites.
Conclusion #1: It’s good to know who really has the power.
Conclusion #2: Pharaoh did not take lamaze class with any of his wives or he would have seen the truly terrifying birth video that haunts all pregnant women and their baby-daddies.

Story #3 Esther- Mordecai and Esther.  Now this story is filled with fear and reaction.  You have Mordecai who adopts his orphaned niece and raises her as a daughter.  He does a great job raising her and she ends up being chosen as a queen for the king.  Now here comes the fear.  Mordecai and Esther were jews in a foreign land.  Mordecai tells Esther to not say a word about her heritage because he was afraid it would go badly for her with the king.  Then some intrigue takes place (read Esther in the Bible to get the full story.  It's short and it’s an awesome story) and Esther and Mordecai save the day and they both were favored by the king.  This is totally cool except Mordecai gets promoted and is required to kneel before another dude named Haman (think super bad guy in a black cloak).  Mordecai feared God more than Haman and refused to bow down to anyone other than the One True God.  Now Haman is thoroughly peeved and gets the king to agree to the annihilation of the jews.  To make a long story short, Esther gets called up to the big leagues and has to risk her life to save the lives of all of her fellow jews.  She is beyond fearful but steps up.  Not only does she save all of the jews, her actions result in Haman getting his “just rewards”.
Conclusion #1 No life lived was ever lived without fear.
Conclusion #2 Don’t mess with an adopted kid or their family because they may take you down.

The Old Testament is full of stories that involve fear and the consequences of how people dealt with that fear. Now the New Testament gives us an even deeper understanding as we see the very people who ate and spent time with Jesus Himself still had to deal with fear.

Story #4 Matthew 14- The disciples see Jesus walking on the water.  Okay, so these nimrods have seen Jesus doing miracle after miracle.  He has just fed well over 5000 people with the ancient equivalent of a Happy Meal.  Not an hour later (or so), they see a dude walking on water and their first thought is “Ghost!”.  Really? Thankfully, Jesus doesn’t leave them shaking in their boots but calls out to them, calming their fears.  In this moment of amazement, Peter gets out of the boat and he, too, is walking on water.  Why?  Because, instead of living in fear, he is living in faith.  Until….he notices he is walking on water and it’s a bit choppy and he is overcome with fear.  Down he goes but Jesus, ever gracious, pulls him up and gets him back in the boat.
Conclusion #1 When you focus on faith instead of fear, amazing things happen.
Conclusion #2 We can have amazing moments of faith and, just as quickly, find ourselves consumed with fear if we keep looking at the circumstances instead of God.

Story #5 Mark 5- There was a legion of demons who were possessing a guy, making him cut himself with rocks, run around naked in a graveyard, and ruining his life beyond measure.  That is, until Jesus shows up.  Jesus frees the man from the spirits and sends them into a herd of pigs that immediately run into the sea and drown.  The guys watching over the herd take off, telling everyone in town what had happened.  The towns-folk come out to see what the hubbub is all about and see their dead pigs floating in the sea while the crazy dude is now calm, dressed, and as normal as anyone of them.  So they celebrate and have a party, right? Nope.  They focus on fear.  They are afraid of Jesus hurting the local economy.  I imagine them huddling up and saying, “What if this Jesus wants to cast out more demons.  What’s next, our goats?”  They were so focused on their fear that they totally missed the miracle right in front of them!
Conclusion #1 We can become so overcome with fear that we totally miss out on the awesome things God is doing.
Conclusion #2 Pigs apparently are lousy swimmers, at least when possessed by demons.

Story#6 Luke 8- I’ll end with this story but it’s one I love.  There was a woman who had a serious health issue that no doctor could cure or even really treat.  She spent every penny she had on treatment but was only getting worse.  She was miserable and desperate.  She heard about Jesus and believed that he could heal her.  The only problem is that she was one of hundreds of people trying to get to Jesus.  As He came near her, she struggled through the crowd, reaching out in her weakness and misery and touched the edge of Jesus’ clothing.  Instantly, Jesus was aware that he had been touched and asked who had done so.  Now, this woman has to make a choice.  The Bible said she was stinkin’ afraid (that would be my translation).  So afraid that she was trembling. She could have run away but embraced her faith and harnessed her fear. She told Jesus that it was she who touched Him.  Jesus looked at her and told her that she was healed because of her faith and she would suffer no more.
Conclusion #1 Even when we have faith we still can be afraid.  We must choose whether faith or fear will guide our decision making.
Conclusion #2 Being stinkin’ afraid is not an excuse to not have faith.

So, now I’ve been breathing, praying, and reading.  Where do I go from here?  I don’t know how to communicate this well, but I know that our family is meant to walk this adoption journey.  I know that, no matter what, fear will be a part of our experience.  How can it not be?  Just knowing the fact that every action has a consequence is totally terrifying.  But we must not be controlled by the fear of consequence.  We ask God to guide us, give us wisdom, and care for us.  We work daily to build and strengthen our relationship with God so that we can know Him well enough to hear Him.  I’m still afraid.  I know that I can’t even begin to fathom how bad the bad days will be.  But I also know that I can’t possibly imagine the joy I will know on the good days.  And everyday I spend following God, even when those days are full of troubles, will be better than a day spent following fear, sitting locked away from possible consequences.

One Happy Camper!

With having autism, Olivia usually gets the short end of the stick.  Dan and I often find ourselves feeling so bad for her as she tries to fit in with other children.  We struggle to see the positive when Olivia is "the weird kid" or "the meltdown kid".  We fight with our own pride issues when we choose not to be embarrassed when she is inappropriate in public.  In general, daily life is hard.  Then, every once in a while, we get the amazing joy of seeing her blossom and flourish.  And sometimes, we even get to see autism as a gift.  Yesterday was one of those days.  

We are very blessed to have a special needs camp in our state and even more blessed to receive a scholarship so Olivia could attend.  For months, we have been talking about it and the last couple of weeks have been full of funny conversations that included why you can't bring every toy you own to camp, why Mom and Dad can't be campers too, and why it isn't okay to kiss other campers so they will be your friend.  We have been counting the days until we leave for camp until Olivia practically vibrated with excitement.  

The day finally came.  We drove to the camp and along the way Olivia would randomly yell "Ya-hoo!" and make what she calls "fireworks sounds".  She asked "Are we there yet?" about 3000 times.  She talked nonstop about what she was going to do at camp and how she was going to make lots of friends who are just like her.  It was a long drive.  Finally the moment arrived.  We pulled into the parking area and several camp counselors appeared out of no where to haul Olivia's bags to her cabin.  Another counselor introduced herself to Olivia and told her that she would take her to meet her one-on-one counselor.  Without a single look back, Olivia was off.  Soon she was in the middle of a group of counselors who where quietly welcoming Olivia with this strange, almost silent excitement.  Obviously, the counselors are well trained in dealing with kids who have sensory issues and can have bad reactions to loud noise.  This was a good sign for a nervous Mama. Then, as I dropped off her meds to the camp nurse, Olivia disappeared with her counselor into a crowd of little campers.  We were sent to meet her at her cabin to say goodbye. We passed a few kiddos who where having minor meltdowns, worrying about the personal belongings and one camper who was fighting counselors who wanted to change her after she had an accident.  Finally we found Olivia and, of course, she was talking non stop to her counselor about how she wanted to hunt for frogs and play with all of her new friends.  It was apparent that, while I was struggling with separation anxiety, Olivia was just fine.  I bent down and whispered in her ear that it was time to say good by.  In typical Olivia style, she went to her "this is how I should react" mode and burst into tears.  I knew right away that she was just doing what she thought was appropriate in this situation.  I took her outside to say good by to her dad and brother and she continued to whimper.  I bent down and said, "Did you see the pool with the giant water slides?".  The crying stop instantaneously and all was well again.  We walked with Olivia across the camp ground until it was time for us to head to the car and her to head to the dinner hall.  We said goodbye and Olivia turned, yelled goodbye over her shoulder and was gone.  No looks back.  No last minute regrets about coming to camp.  Just pure excitement for this new adventure.  Our little trio of Dan, me, and Eli walked to the car and my heart ached to leave my sweet girl but I was so excited for her.

On the long journey back home, I realized that for the first time EVER, we were somewhere where children were having meltdowns and it wasn't our kid!  It may sound silly, but it rather exhausting to always be "those parents".  You know, the ones you glare at in the grocery store or at restaurants because their kids aren't behaving.  And not only was Olivia behaving, she was thriving!  Autism is a real pain in the neck most of the time, but this experience was a great reminder of the pros of autism.  Because of her autism, Olivia can only feel one emotion at a time.  When she is sad, she is VERY sad.  But, when she is happy, she is VERY happy.  What an amazing gift that is when you are facing a new unknown situation.  Watching her bounce down the pathway to dinner feeling only happiness was incredible.  How many parents get to have that experience?  

So now I am missing my darling daughter and spending every free moment praying desperately for her.  I am praying for her safety and that she will have a great time but, mostly, I am praying that the one feeling she has is joy.  I don't want her to spend a moment missing us.  I want every moment focused on having fun and being happy.  I'm doing enough of the "missing" for both of us.